Many families have done a great job of teaching the kids to say, “I’m sorry”.  If a child/teen calls someone a name they will be reminded to say those two words…I’m sorry.  However, true confession isn’t really there until certain steps are followed.

There are three steps to this process confession, repentence, restitution.  Many times this is not enough for true forgiveness in the family and can slip into the mundane.  I believe it is important to teach children five steps to help them understand the impact of their behavior to others and to show them others have choices.

The five steps to forgiveness

1.  Confession.  I called you “fat”.

2.  Knowledge.  I know you don’t like this because it hurts your feelings.

3.  Repentence.  I am sorry.

4.  Response.  Will you forgive me?

5.  Restitution.  How can I make it up to you?

Do you see the difference?  It becomes a process of dialogue of problem solving.  It also involves choices for both parties.  Maybe in step 4 the other person is not ready to forgive.  The child who called the name will have to let it rest awhile or maybe have to live knowing they crossed the line for the other person.

In step 5 as you supervise this process make sure the answer is not, “don’t do it again”.  Both children need to really think and work on the process.

One last thought.  Asking our children to forgive us for wrongs is very powerful in making connections with our children.

I have been playing the cutest game called “Farm Town”.  Now farm town is about building a community that will help you harvest your crops, keep in touch, and tend to your farm while you are away (from the computer).  We plow and plant, arrange crops and trees, expand our property and eventually have enough coins to buy a house.  If I am short of coins, I can to to the marketplace and seek out a job.

As I was mindlessly plowing my mind began to free associate and I realized this game parallels the rearing of children/teens.  The child at birth is essentially an empty field of grass that we can feed, water and generally take care of.  In order for the child to grow and mature we must tend to the soil, plant good seeds and harvest.

The plowing is in reality a tuning in, listening, watching and understanding how the child needs to be responded to.

You then decide what type of seed you will plant.  Should you sow seeds of kindness or selfishness?  Will you choose seeds of love, anger or hatred?  Through a gentle touch, words of kindness, or of encouragement and love you are consistently planting the seeds of gentleness, kindness and love.

Here are two things I would have you do to be more aware.

1.  Make a list of the ideas you are planting in your child/teen’s brain on a daily basis.  Lay it all out there whether it is good or bad.

2.  Monitor your words.  Here is a good seed to plant, “I love you”, “I am proud of you”.  Here is a seed you don’t want planted, ” I love you, but I don’t like you”.  *sigh*

Words are powerful use them carefully.

I simply love a good joke or the perfectly executed prank.  April 1st is usually the day to get silly.  Personally, I use the entire month to celebrate laughter.  I believe that as adults we need to be able to laugh at ourselves and keep some of the heaviness out of our lives.

Humor is rooted in childhood and grows along the same developmental path as your child.  Peek-a-boo is a game that we all play with our children and I believe sets the stage for humor development.  As your child becomes older have some knock, knock jokes ready.  Here is an oldie I learned as a 5 year old.

Knock, knock.   Who’s there?  Banana.  Banana who?  Knock knock.  Who’s there?  Orange.  Orange who?  Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?

Develop some chicken jokes.  Why did the chicken cross the road?  To get to the other side.  This is very concrete and can be visualized.  Then as your child matures add a little more abstract thought…around 12 years of age.

One day a year plan a silly meal.  Use mashed potatoes, put food coloring in it and shovel some into your mouth and play lookie, lookie.  For some clarification, when you say lookie, you open your mouth to show the gross mashed potatoes.  It is ill-mannered, but so much fun.  The cool thing is your children will begin to linger at the table, laughing and talking.

Around 14 years of age begin to tell jokes that help them think outside the box by following subtle directions.

If you want to have fun, develop this now.  So get some books on good, clean jokes and giggle with your children.   I believe that laughter is the best medicine.

March Madness is a sports term for playoffs in basketball.  Teams face off to win the battle or game.  Basketball is a fast paced sport with subtle hits and jaabs to the other team in an effort to put a ball into the hoop.  When the jabs are caught a foul is called by a referee.

This got me thinking about the March mad-ness that occurs in the home.  Two or more people face off in their quest to be right.  Fast paced talking or yelling can occur but without a referee to step in and call a foul or monitor unfair fighting.

I have found these steps helpful when disagreements arise.

Step 1:     Have a planned time to discuss an agreed upon topic.  With teens it could be house rules, curfew or grades.

Step 2:     Approach the meeting with an attitude of wanting to listen and learn.  Yes, you can learn from your teen.

Step 3:     Come to the meeting prepared.  Have an opening where you tell your teen something great about them.   For instance,  “I really appreciate how you think about life.”  Have a middle section which is to tell you teen what you want or expect.  “I want you to be in the home by 10:00 pm.”  Then be quiet and wait to let your teen give their opinion on why this might be unfair.  Restate what they have said and repeat your rule.  End the discussion by telling them how proud you are of them.  “I am so proud that you are doing well in your new job.”

Step 4:     Plan the next time to meet to evaluate how things are going.

If you notice that you are getting angry, STOP and take a time out.  Just say, “I am beginning to get angry/mad and I need to take a break, can we talk again in 10 minutes?”  Cool down and come back to the discussion.

May your “mad-ness” become less and less in your home.

When I was growing up my favorite show on television was the Brady Bunch.  “There’s a story…” I can still sing the song and hear the tune in my head.  I never stopped to wonder where the ex’s were in this blended family.  It clearly did not portray the reality of blending 2 families because the ex’s were not around and the children did not have 2 homes that they went back and forth to.

With this in mind I have made a list of parenting tips that seem to be helpful.  When a child lives in two separate homes there needs to be flexibility and a willingness to put aside your adult agenda and work to ensure what is best for your child.  When you chose to have your child you, in effect chose to be bound together for the rest of your lives.  Maybe your marriage or relationship failed, but don’t fail your child.  These tips can be helpful to parents and serve as a gentle reminder to self care and child care.

Communication.

It is important for the child to hear the voice of the parent each night.  So, if your child is with you, simply pick up the phone and dial the number to the other parent so they can talk together.  If the child is young, help them remember 2 things that happened that day to tell their parent.  When a child is older a cell phone can be used to go back and forth so the child can feel free to call to check in with the other parent.

It is important for the adult parents to communicate.  Issues such as discipline, moral development, social behaviors, manners, dating and appropriate demonstrations of love are the real topics that are of concern in rearing a child.  Parenting challenges need to be discussed together so the child is not dividing you.  These topics need to be discussed out of the home away from the ears of the children.

Boundaries.

Sometimes it is easy to overlook that even a small child can feel uncomfortable with touch and we can disregard their pleas to stop.  It is imperative that when a child says stop, stop!  For example, if someone is tickling a child it can be carried too far where it becomes painful.  If someone is doing something that grosses a child out or feels uncomfortable and the child says please stop, or don’t, STOP!  If this is left unchecked then the child doesn’t feel that he/she has power to protect themseles and worse is that he/she can not rely on adults to protect them.

Self-soothing.

Each child needs to take something they value and that gives them comfort while aat the other parent’s home.  They need a special place like a shoe box that they can put private and personal stuff in.  Also, a journal that goes back and forth to each parents home is helpful.  When the child is young the parent can write each day what the child has done (complete with firsts).  When the child begins to write they can journal about their day.

Spend special time with your child each day.  It builds trust, demonstrates love and caring.  When your child needs to tell you something they will know that you are the “safe” person to talk to.

Discipline.

It is my opinion that the biological parents need to do the discipline.  If the stepparent is alone with the child and there needs to be some sort of discipline, I find that a time out works well.  In placing a child in time out it is a consistent and specific place pre-determined by the adults.  The time limit is 1 minute for each birthday.  For instance if your child is 4 years old, 4 minutes is effective.  When the biological parent comes back into the home, quietly let them know why and how discipline was administered.

Gossip.

It does not serve you or your child to be denigrating your ex at all.  This just reinforces the anger you feel toward your ex and the children take cues from you.  I have seen where ther is open discussion of the ex’s faults and shortcomings or namecalling.  Years later the child discovers that the parent has tainted their views of their other parent and this will backfire on you as they become angry at your behavior.  This may result in a decision to not be affiliated with you at all.  So, in reality this serves no purpose at all.  Just rememer your e was good enough to produce your child at on time, and you would not have your precious child if it were not for that relationship.

Remember that all of you love your child and want what is best for him/her.  He/she did not choose to divorce, however, your behavior to each other can alleviate the tension he/she feels.

I received an email citing January is the month where the divorce rate is the highest.  For many kids this was not on the new year’s resolution list of things to deal with.  And yet it happens and they feel powerless to do anything about it.  Parents can actually help their children get through this or they can add to the general chaos.

I have found that couples generally fall somewhere between 2 extremes in thinking about their children and divorce.

The first extreme thought is “I choose to inflict pain on my ex by using the children as a weapon of war.  This means I will talk bad about my ex to my children, I will barter with my ex for visitation, or I will flat out manipulate the kids to behave badly so my ex will have to deal with poor behavior.”

The second extreme thought is “parenting will be too difficult so I am out of their lives.”

STOP!!!  Be honest with yourself.  Are you still ticked off with your ex and choose to be difficult to work with?  Do you fantasize about moving to Australia because you don’t want to face the reality of rearing children as a single parent?

There is a third option.  I propose a new attitude.  Copy this next section and read it as an affirmation.

” I want what is best for my child/ren.  I will put aside my anger and work with my ex.  Together, we will show our children the love and support that they need.”

Commit to saying this every day morning and evening for one month.  Slowly, you will be able to really focus past your own hurt to see your children’s hurt.  You will be able to bypass your own anger to see your child’s anger.  You will be able to respond to the feelings that your children have in order to help them through this difficult time.  This option is a selfless option and will take self monitoring.

I believe YOU can do this.

It is the time of year when many of us are making resolutions.  Some want to break habits such as smoking, overeating, or drinking.  Some want to develop habits as reading more, exercising more or parenting better.  If we fail to break these goals down into measurable steps, chances are we may fail.  A while back a colleague’s husband wrote down a parenting pledge that is specific and meets children’s needs.

The Parents’ Pledge

“As a parent my greatest wish is that my children will have a life filled with happiness and the joy of loving; therefore, I will always try to understand and fulfill their needs.

I.     Through touching, I will show my children that they are loved so that they can give throughout their lives.

II.    My children need not earn my love for I will give it freely without reservation or limit.

III.   To help my children become self-confident, I will teach them with encouragement, not criticism, and I will always try to emphasize their good qualities.

IV.   To build confidence and help my children mature, I will encourage them to do for themselves things they can do.

V.    To prevent my children from being fearful, I will try not to worry or protect them more than is necessary.

VI.    I will try to remember that my children are not my property but separate people whom I may guide but must gradually set free.

VII.   I will teach my children that they must not be overly concerned with others’ opinions of them so they will learn to think for themselves.

VIII.  In order that my children will learn to value their own opinions and ideas, I will listen to them with interest and respect.

IX.    To teach my children respect for authority and to develop their self-discipline, I will insist in a kind but firm manner that my instructions be obeyed.

X.     Realizing that my children will imitate me, I will always try to be a good model for them.

XI.    To teach my children tolerance, I will try not to judge, condemn, or find fault with others.

XII.   I will not give my children more than they should have, lest they become wasteful and demanding.

XIII.  I will teach my children to share and consider the needs and feelings of others so that they will become kind and generous people.

XIV.  I will teach my children that gentleness is not weakness and that they should share their feelings with those they love.

XV.   I will show my children that I love sons and daughters equally, and I will not condemn sexual love so that they may enjoy it when they are mature.

XVI.  I will teach my children that they will find happiness through giving love, not through seeking it.

I now that I cannot be a perfect parent, but in order to protect my children from emotional problems and help secure a happy life for them, I will always try to meet these needs.

Finally, I wish for my children to know that they are a joy to me, a gift of the universe.”

The late Dr. Robert Alan Webb

I challenge you to consider making resolutions this year that are specific about your parenting attitudes and actions.

There are many stresses in the lives of parents these days.  Two are currently on a collision path.  The first stress is Christmas with the media emphasis on getting the right gifts for everyone.  The kids making out long lists of items they “just have to have”.  Letters are being written to Santa in hopes of getting everything just because they were “good” this year.  As a parent you see these lists, yet the second stressor of this season is the economy.    Should you spend your money on fulfilling your child’s wish list or should you stay on that budget?

I propose that now is the perfect opportunity to evaluate the “spending” values you want to share with your children.  In order to do this you need to decide what you think about money and the objects money can buy.

A simple paradigm to follow is to view items as needs verses wants.  For example food, clothing, shelter and love are needs, while the latest fashion, new cars, and the latest electronic gadgets are wants.

Let’s apply this to the Christmas wish list.

Step 1.  Read your child’s wish list.  Look for items you know they need.  Maybe a pair of jeans to replace the pair that has become too worn.

Step 2.  If you know of more need items write them on the list.

Step 3.  Total up what you are willing and able to spend on the need items.

Step 4.  Determine to stay within your budget.

Step 5.  Get at least one item from the wish list without going over your budget.

You can apply this needs vs. wants to vacation plans, to gift shopping, to grocery shopping and essentially every area in your life.  As you consistently do this it becomes a life long habit that you can pass down to your children.  In the process you will have also taught your children not to accumulate “stuff”.

As parents we educate our children/teens about drugs and alcohol citing the addictive nightmares this can have on their lives.  But, are you aware that cutting oneself, eating disorders, porn, anxiety, virtual gaming, shopping and gambling can also be addictive and have similar results?

Cutting or self-injurious behavior is when a teen uses an object to cut on the skin in an attempt to draw blood.  There are many reasons why they may engage in this ritual.  They may feel hopeless, depressed or anxious.  Bullying, attention-seeking, wanting to punish someone or joining a peer group are also some of the reasons why cutting may start.

There are chat rooms which encourage kids to cut.  They explain in detail where to cut, the best instrument to use, the angle so as ot to go too deep and how to get more blood to come out.  The problem here is that once a teen begins to cut as a form of emotional release or to numb out it can become habit forming.

Developmentally, your teen is trying to figure out who they are and are leaning on their peer group more than you.  This is normal for them.  What is NOT normal is a group of friends that encourage cutting or other forms of self-injury.

I encourage you to get to now your child’s friends.  Be supportive and willing to talk about what is bothering them.  Watch your teen for signs of depression, anxiety, or cuts that can not be explained.  If you discover that your teen is cutting, take it seriously.  Many times the cutting becomes deeper resulting in an injury that may be life-threatening.

In all ways stay connected.

Charlie Brown and Chris (According to Chris) have many thing in common.  Both are trying to navigate life amidst the drama of relationships at school and at home.  It is sad and exhausting to watch these “characters” try different ways to shed the drama only to be a target of criticism and ridicule with their peers.

Their sadness and lonliness is palpable and just when you think the depression will overcome these boys, the storyline changes and “life” becomes grand again.  Ah, such is the fantasy of TV-land.

In real life it appears that our kids are not so lucky.  Tweens and teens are hurting inside.  When they attempt to express their pain they can be labeled as “the drama queen/king” or “Emo”.  This drives the message into their thoughts that people don’t care, or they are not worth the bother or “again?”  This internalized pain with isolation and rejection can result in them becoming suicidal.

Here is a quick checklist for you/someone you know that might be at risk for suicide.

1.  They verbalize that they don’t want to live.

2.  They withdraw from friends and family.

3.  Eating or sleeping patterns change.

4.  They are experiencing relationship troubles more than usual.

5.  They don’t seem to care about their belongings and may even give them away.

6.  After a lot of turmoil there seems to be a sense of calm-almost peace with them.  This could mean they are at peace with the decision to “off themselves”.

Get help now!  Today!  Take your friend, teen, tween or child to the nearest emergency room.  If you are thinking about suicide go to your school counselor, teacher, or principal.  Tell your parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, neighbor or pastor.  We want you alive!  We  want to support you in your life journey. We want to help you navigate through the pain to be happy and proud of yourself.