I am connected to a fun group of counselors from across the US and Canada.  I was recently  discussing things that are now obsolete in this decade.  Items such as the yellow pages, encyclopedia, landlines, wires, film cameras, the time lady, 35 mm film, and floppy drives have been replaced by newer and better versions or technology.  There was some grief over the time lady, but I believe this was pure nostalgia.

It got me thinking of things that are timeless and I hope last forever.  Here are some of my favorite concepts that came from our dialogue.  Love, feelings, exercise, chocolate, random acts of kindness, friends, connectedness, faith or belief in someone/something, hope, toilets and toilet paper were listed to remind us that humor is important.

My hope for you in this new decade is to focus on some of these timeless behaviors if they are missing in your life.  Incorporate love, get in touch with the feelings you have kept hidden, exercise, do and teach your children random acts of kindness.  Teach your family about friendship and connectedness.  Have faith in each other and hope that there is a better future for your family.  Lastly, laugh at yourself and with each other.

May this new decade be meaningful and full of growth for you and your family.

I was having breakfast out prior to the big holiday shopping spree.  There was a grandfather having a breakfast conversation with his two grandsons who looked to be about 9 and 12 years old.  My ears perked up when he said, “We need a plan…” He continued, “Well, your grandma is in on the plan and stands ready to wrap anything we bring home. And the best part is that she will keep your gift a secret!” They were talking about a strategy for shopping for the boys’ parent. I began imagining all sorts of fun they were going to have implementing their plan, learning how to give meaningfully to others. These types of conversations help to reinforce the values of gratitude, respect, and appreciation that we want to nurture in our children.

But during the recent holiday season, I noticed again an emphasis on getting rather than giving. Yet learning how to give meaningfully is a very important developmental achievement. When kids are not taught to give, we help to create a narcissistic society of individuals focused on fulfilling their own desires, who have a sense of entitlement. So we must counteract this “me-ism” through effortful practice. Teaching children and teens to do chores, making a contribution to the family system, helps them toward this end. But there needs to be something bigger, outside of the family, that kids can do to learn and to develop those core values of gratitude, respect, and appreciation. Developing an attitude of service by looking for and helping to meet the needs of others is one way to accomplish this.

Holidays and special events provide opportunities for instruction in the giving arts. One gift that anyone can give is that of service, a gift of time and effort invested in another.  Here are some ideas to help your family begin to practice developing a serving-others attitude:

~Pulling weeds for a senior in your neighborhood.

~Preparing and delivering a meal for a family.

~Washing windows for someone who is home bound.

~Serving up meals to the homeless.

~Adopting a family who have fallen on hard times and making sure each child has a new outfit for school.

~Getting a group of families together to clean up a trailer park.

If you take 1 day a month to do something as a family to give to others you will strengthen this attitude of service.  And you will all receive the joy that comes from giving.

I think that the grandparents of those two boys will receive the greatest joy this year because they participated in helping their grandchildren learn the attitude of service.  Oh, did I not mention that the youngest made a list of things that he could personally do for his mom?  One “coupon” is for a neck massage.

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, better known as ADHD is a developmental disorder.  As parents of these kids it is common to lament about the lack of attention, forgetfulness, or the amazing energy that sometimes can not be channelled.  While all of these symptoms are challenging it overshadows the real problem of the child/teens lack of impulse control.

In young children you may notice the snatching of toys from another child, pushing, biting, temper tantrums and a spontaneous eruption of behavior that leaves you confused.

In pre and early teens you may notice more impulsive behaviors like blurting out inappropriate comments, disruptions, agreeing to act on certain peer suggestions and beginning to experiment with cigarettes, alcohol or drugs.

During the late teens there is a marked increase in high risk behaviors partly because they are now driving and partly because most teens have the “I am invincible” attitude.

The holidays offer more opportunities for teens to engage in high risk behaviors.  So, today is the time to talk with your teen about drugs, alcohol, parties and driving.  I suggest setting up a plan in the event your teen needs your help.

1.  Whenever they go to a party send them with a fully charged cell phone.

2.  Establish a curfew.

3.  If your teen discovers there are drugs/alcohol at the party and they want to come home, have them go to the bathroom and call you.  Then you call them back in 5 minutes and insist they come home.  This way they can protest in front of their peers and blame it on you.  Eventually, they will be able to stand on their own to say no.

4.  Make an agreement in advance that if your teen has been drinking and they call you that you will pick them up, no questions asked.  You want to get them home safely and you want to monitor their health to determine if they need medical care.

5.  Keep asking the questions: “Is this what you want in your life?”  “How can I help you?”  “Do you know how worried I am about you?”

6.  Use these statements: “I love you.”  “I see a great future for you.”  “I am here for you.”  “These years can be tough, you can count on me.”  “I will do whatever it takes to help you without enabling you.”

7.  Openly talk with your teen about the long term issues with impulsive, high risk behaviors and ADHD with the possible consideration of medication.

May your holidays be a safe and happy one.

For more information on ADHD, Russell Barkley is the leading authority on the subject.

Yelling is everywhere these days.  We see examples of this at sporting events, in stores, in the parking lot and some while driving their car.  Wikipedia lists several reasons for yelling/screaming: 1 “Fear and Surprise” the result is to call attention to yourself. 2 “Happiness” which conveys a positive emotion to others. 3 “Danger and Pain” which informs others of danger.  Reading on it cites the battle cry, death growl and rebel yell as more options to consider.  Interestingly that this falls under oral communication to prepare for a battle.

I have to boldly ask if these are the reasons why parents yell at their children?  Go ahead, look at the definitions again.  Is one of them the reason for your yelling?

Think of a recent time you just “went off” or screamed at your children.  Did they react to this form of communication?  Some kids will yell back and before long a it becomes a competition of who can shout the loudest.  Some kids will simply stop listening because they realize given enough time you will run out of steam and either shut up or you will escalate and become even more abusive.  Other kids anticipate your mood and attack first “disrespecting” you.

Yet, in the quietness of the night you wonder how this has gotten out of control when you love them so much.  A change is needed.

Here are five suggestions to restore peace in your home.

1.  Take five.  Take some time for yourself daily.  Many times the fear you have inside can be dealt with if you stop and nurture yourself first.

2.  Lower expectations.  Keep the chores or request simple and age appropriate for your child.  Some five year olds can feed the dog consistently while other eight year olds struggle to remember and follow through.

3.  Keep work at work.  If you know you are stressed about worries this will get passed onto your children.  So leave your adult worries at work and focus on the kid worries at home.  After you have dealt with their concerns you can remind them to do their homework or chores.

4.  Break the habit.  If your child have the yelling habit already lower your voice and ask them to lower their voice.  For young children, you can say “use your inside voice”.  For older kids you can say, “I’m right here”.  Keep doing this until you are whispering.

5.  Check your altitude.  As adults we are typically taller than our children.  If you want to communicate with your child get eye level with him.  Speak softly while looking into her eyes and have a gentle touch on their shoulder.

If you have been using screaming or yelling as your style of communication do not despair.  You can make a change today.  Be persistent and consistent and the change will come.

May your home be filled with peace.

In California we are faced with fires that rip through the mountains and neighborhoods devouring anything in its path.  We have grown accustomed to watching the helicopter scoop/suck up water from nearby parks and lakes as they rush to drop it on the thirsty fires.  All this drama unfolds before us on TV or as an eyewitness.

As I write this the helicopters are still going back and forth.  I have no clue where the destination is as this year we have no TV and the radio stations are not broadcasting much information.  I have a phone number to call on the latest activities.

I do recognize that the TV does keep us informed and it is vital to have this information as a parent.  However, the broadcasts show the fires repeatedly with the field reporters giving us the facts in a delivery that is anxiety producing.  After a day of your child viewing this it can prevent them from sleeping at night and you may have more separation anxiety when school resumes.

Here are some suggestions on how to deal with the stress of fires or any disasters.

1.  Have a plan and calmly follow the plan.  Know what to take and what to leave behind.

2.  Favorite blankies and favorite toys are just as important to your children as passports are to you, so don’t forget them.

3.  Put the evacuation items in the car.

4.  Use the phone to get up to the minute information to stay informed. The reverse phone calls actually work so don’t be afraid you will be deserted.

5.  Spend time with your children watching videos or playing non-strenuous indoor games.

6.  If one parent goes into work have them call a couple of times just to chat.

7.  If the kids really want to see the news, let them see small doses maybe 10 minutes every few hours.  Or if the planes and helicopters are flying overhead have them count the different kinds of planes/helicopters.

8.  If you have restless teenagers and it is safe let them get together with friends for a couple of hours.

9.  Some teens feel compelled to help.  Help them gather cold drinks and donuts and take them to the firefighters parked up the street, or to the police who are in charge of working the barricades.

The more we practice modeling a calm environment our children will experience less anxiety.

I sat with a group of middle school kids and pondered the questions, “What does least mean?, Who are the least in society? and Who are the least in school?”

The definition of least was viewed as less than, not the most, undesirable, not as much and at the bottom.

They thought that society viewed the following as the least: homeless people, ugly people, obese people, poor people, undocumented people and different people.  They also threw in black widow spiders, mosquitos and their least favorite sports teams.

Following the same thought and applying it to the school setting their belief was that in the school setting the least was defined as: Kindergartners, 7th graders, 9th graders, kids who don’t excel in school, sensitive kids, not popular, socially awkward, ugly, obese and not pretty.

As a way to figure out how to treat others we asked them why they do things.  The answers ranged from “because we are told to and there is either a reward or punishment attached”. Clearly the thought did not occur to them that they had a choice and that is our responsibility to make that choice.

With this in mind I am reminded each day in some way how I am treating others.  Because if we have a choice (and we do) why not have the motivation to do this simply because it is the right thing to do not for any reward or out of fear of punishment?

I challenge you to have this discussion with your tween or teen and see the outcome of the discussion.  Then give them the challenge to champion the people who are viewed as the least in their school.

Thought I would share with you a video about play.  I was interviewed on the importance of play in life and how it relates to our spirituality.  This was produced by the youth pastor, Dustin Comm, from one of the local churches in Calimesa.

Thoughts on Play

Many families have done a great job of teaching the kids to say, “I’m sorry”.  If a child/teen calls someone a name they will be reminded to say those two words…I’m sorry.  However, true confession isn’t really there until certain steps are followed.

There are three steps to this process confession, repentence, restitution.  Many times this is not enough for true forgiveness in the family and can slip into the mundane.  I believe it is important to teach children five steps to help them understand the impact of their behavior to others and to show them others have choices.

The five steps to forgiveness

1.  Confession.  I called you “fat”.

2.  Knowledge.  I know you don’t like this because it hurts your feelings.

3.  Repentence.  I am sorry.

4.  Response.  Will you forgive me?

5.  Restitution.  How can I make it up to you?

Do you see the difference?  It becomes a process of dialogue of problem solving.  It also involves choices for both parties.  Maybe in step 4 the other person is not ready to forgive.  The child who called the name will have to let it rest awhile or maybe have to live knowing they crossed the line for the other person.

In step 5 as you supervise this process make sure the answer is not, “don’t do it again”.  Both children need to really think and work on the process.

One last thought.  Asking our children to forgive us for wrongs is very powerful in making connections with our children.

I have been playing the cutest game called “Farm Town”.  Now farm town is about building a community that will help you harvest your crops, keep in touch, and tend to your farm while you are away (from the computer).  We plow and plant, arrange crops and trees, expand our property and eventually have enough coins to buy a house.  If I am short of coins, I can to to the marketplace and seek out a job.

As I was mindlessly plowing my mind began to free associate and I realized this game parallels the rearing of children/teens.  The child at birth is essentially an empty field of grass that we can feed, water and generally take care of.  In order for the child to grow and mature we must tend to the soil, plant good seeds and harvest.

The plowing is in reality a tuning in, listening, watching and understanding how the child needs to be responded to.

You then decide what type of seed you will plant.  Should you sow seeds of kindness or selfishness?  Will you choose seeds of love, anger or hatred?  Through a gentle touch, words of kindness, or of encouragement and love you are consistently planting the seeds of gentleness, kindness and love.

Here are two things I would have you do to be more aware.

1.  Make a list of the ideas you are planting in your child/teen’s brain on a daily basis.  Lay it all out there whether it is good or bad.

2.  Monitor your words.  Here is a good seed to plant, “I love you”, “I am proud of you”.  Here is a seed you don’t want planted, ” I love you, but I don’t like you”.  *sigh*

Words are powerful use them carefully.

I simply love a good joke or the perfectly executed prank.  April 1st is usually the day to get silly.  Personally, I use the entire month to celebrate laughter.  I believe that as adults we need to be able to laugh at ourselves and keep some of the heaviness out of our lives.

Humor is rooted in childhood and grows along the same developmental path as your child.  Peek-a-boo is a game that we all play with our children and I believe sets the stage for humor development.  As your child becomes older have some knock, knock jokes ready.  Here is an oldie I learned as a 5 year old.

Knock, knock.   Who’s there?  Banana.  Banana who?  Knock knock.  Who’s there?  Orange.  Orange who?  Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?

Develop some chicken jokes.  Why did the chicken cross the road?  To get to the other side.  This is very concrete and can be visualized.  Then as your child matures add a little more abstract thought…around 12 years of age.

One day a year plan a silly meal.  Use mashed potatoes, put food coloring in it and shovel some into your mouth and play lookie, lookie.  For some clarification, when you say lookie, you open your mouth to show the gross mashed potatoes.  It is ill-mannered, but so much fun.  The cool thing is your children will begin to linger at the table, laughing and talking.

Around 14 years of age begin to tell jokes that help them think outside the box by following subtle directions.

If you want to have fun, develop this now.  So get some books on good, clean jokes and giggle with your children.   I believe that laughter is the best medicine.