Your child is in the emergency room again while you stand there feeling helpless and not knowing what to do.  Your child comes in the back door from school and you notice he is sporting a black eye and a split lip.  You discover your adult child has been in an abusive relationship.  Have you ever noticed that when our children are in pain–whether that pain is physical or emotional–parental guilt seeps into our minds?   We begin to doubt parenting choices and we wonder if we could have prevented the harm they have fallen into.  Added to our already overly doubtful mind is the guilt of not being able to give  100% to our child’s problem.  We experience irrational behaviors of not eating well, becoming sleep deprived, not taking breaks or exercising.

As a mom with a high needs child I understand the desire to physically protect and to want to be there emotionally 100% of the time.  However, without taking care of ourselves we may not be strong enough to continue through the long haul of issues they must get through.  In an airplane when there is a crisis the oxygen masks drop down.  We are to put on our own oxygen mask prior to helping our children put theirs on.

Here are some survival tips to incorporate during a crisis with your child.

1.  Surround yourself with supportive people who really care.  Do not expend your energy on people who try to “one up” you.  For example, if you share something with someone and they say “oh, I know exactly what you mean…” and then make their story larger than reality that is called a “one up”.  If you leave the conversation feeling like you are carrying their burdens as well as your own, this is a clue that this is not healthy for you right now.  Trust your instincts.

2.  Get back to the basics in life.  Eat balanced meals, drink water rather than caffeine, exercise, breathe deeply, sleep, meditate and take guilt free breaks.

3.  Become knowledgeable about the options for your child’s recovery.

4.  Lean on your faith.

5.  Live in the moment.  Playing the “what if” game intensifies your fears and sense of helplessness.

6.  Make sure you keep your own medical appointments.

You are capable of going the distance with your child’s crisis but only if you take care of yourself as well.  Remember: put your oxygen mask on first.

I was traveling with my son to pick up my daughter from college.  My cell phone rang and I automatically answered it.  Meanwhile, a motorcycle policeman came up beside me and signaled me over with his left hand.  Well being the friendly person that I am I waved back.  Yep!  I was still holding my phone up to my ear and waving at him.  (He was not amused.)

Imagine my embarrassment when I got a ticket for driving and talking on the cell phone in front of my child.

I learned a few things that day.

1.  There are natural consequences throughout our life span.

2.  I can make a mistake in front of my adult children and they don’t “die” from embarrassment.

3.  Kids at any age can learn from our errors in judgment.

4.  If I am courteous under pressure to an authority figure my children learn how to deal with authority figures as well.

5.  Mistakes can draw a family closer.  It can be something to laugh about.  It can serve as reminders to obey the laws.  It can put us parents on the same human level as our children.

This ticket cost me $142.00.  A small price to pay for positive interaction with my children.

Here is your challenge.  Use your mistakes to help everyone grow rather than get mad and try to hide them.

Be safe out there and use your hands free device.

We took some Jr. High kids to Joshua Tree to go hiking.  It was an amazing day.  The wild flowers were blooming, the rock formations were eye catching, and the growth of new vegetation among the burn areas were inspiring.

We took a group photo prior to hiking the trail leading to a mine.  We started out as a group but I soon found myself at the end of the pack with one of the girls.  We were in no hurry as we talked together, stopped frequently to look at the wildness of the area and to take pictures.  With each new vertical hill to conquer she would say, “I don’t know if I can make it”.  I used variations of “one step at a time”, “hope springs eternal”, and “we are in this together”.

As we would reach the top we could see the group in the distance.  It was discouraging for her as she had not hiked before.  Eventually we made it to the mine.  It was surrounded by a fence, so we could not get close.  The group was sitting on a low wall and we joined them. She leaned into me and whispered, “Is this it?”  I smiled back sharing the same sentiment.  Since the others had been there for a half an hour they were  ready to go back.  She invited me to walk with her again.

On the return trip we found and explored an abandoned rock home, took more pictures of animals, burnt cactus that were blooming and simply enjoyed the views.  Toward the end she remarked that she was glad she was not at the front.  I asked why and here response was, “usually when I talk, no one really listens.”

There were two lessons I was reminded of that day.

1.  Teens really want someone to listen to them.  Listening to them is a simple gift we can give.

2.  In life we can get so caught up in getting to what we think is our destination that we forget to enjoy the journey.

When I was growing up I loved to listen to the stories my grandparents would tell. My grandfather, Pampaw, lived in Point Barrow, Alaska, working for the United States Geological Survey mapping out the Alaskan territory. He and his new wife, my grandmother, also worked with the native Americans bringing education to remote areas in Alaska. We loved listening to their stories. Like when Pampaw helped lead the search and rescue team after the fatal crash of Will Rogers’ and Wiley Post’s plane. After many years, they moved to the lower 48 and continued working with the native Americans in Arizona.

I learned from their stories what was important in my family’s heritage. It was clear that helping others, being resiliant, becoming educated, sacrificing for the good of the community, and facing challenges with courage were each a part of my family story. The stories and the values they communicated helped to define who I am today. I strive to pass these values on to my children; I hope that they have learned the lessons from our history.

Many forces work to shape who we are. In my case it was the lifestory of fearless grandparents who faced difficulty with dignity, persevering in spite of many obstacles. Other forces shape our values: religion, ethnicity, political affiliation, economic conditions, and more.

What has helped to shape your life? How have these forces been at work in your life and in your family?

Is it a unique or inspiring family story that helped to shape you? How are you defined by your religious beliefs? Do you celebrate your ethnicity and culture? What priority do politics play in your family? Is your current financial status defining who you are? Are you mission minded or service oriented?

So here is my challenge to you. After making time to define your family values (considering questions like those above), take time to pass them on both in story and in action.

Many new moms are given this advice, “rest when the baby rests.”  It is important to do this so you have the strength to enjoy your new little one.  The temptation is to get caught up on cleaning while the child is resting which deprives  you of the energy it takes to build that relationship.  If you think about rearing a child into adulthood successfully it is through the relationship that is established from the beginning.

To keep on task think in terms of making memories.  Will you want to remember the developmental milestones of your child/children and fun times you created or will you want to remember how clean your home was?  I am not advocating that you keep a filthy home or neglect other duties but that you learn to prioritize what is important.  We can forget what is important when we juggle home, work, child rearing, school, appointments, grocery shopping, cooking, meetings/club, church and the relationship with your significant other.  After awhile time passes and we don’t know who our children are because we did not take the time to build and maintain the connection.

Here are 5 tips to help in relational building.

~  Take the time to listen to your child.  Give feedback to them to let them know you are hearing them.

~  Laugh together.  If mealtime is challenging keep it light.  Tell some jokes or make up some silly food games.

~  Take some time to play with your child no matter what age.

~  Love your child.  Give them a hug, pat on the shoulder, or gentle touch on the back.  Tell them daily.

~  Work together.  Prepare meals together, work in the garden side by side and talk while you work.  When kids have something to do with their hands you will find they will be able to communicate their thoughts and feelings.

Start today to build on your relationship.  Keep building everyday even when you hear “go away and leave me alone”.  During those moments remind them you are here and you love them.  May you have fun building the relationship you want with your child.

I am connected to a fun group of counselors from across the US and Canada.  I was recently  discussing things that are now obsolete in this decade.  Items such as the yellow pages, encyclopedia, landlines, wires, film cameras, the time lady, 35 mm film, and floppy drives have been replaced by newer and better versions or technology.  There was some grief over the time lady, but I believe this was pure nostalgia.

It got me thinking of things that are timeless and I hope last forever.  Here are some of my favorite concepts that came from our dialogue.  Love, feelings, exercise, chocolate, random acts of kindness, friends, connectedness, faith or belief in someone/something, hope, toilets and toilet paper were listed to remind us that humor is important.

My hope for you in this new decade is to focus on some of these timeless behaviors if they are missing in your life.  Incorporate love, get in touch with the feelings you have kept hidden, exercise, do and teach your children random acts of kindness.  Teach your family about friendship and connectedness.  Have faith in each other and hope that there is a better future for your family.  Lastly, laugh at yourself and with each other.

May this new decade be meaningful and full of growth for you and your family.

I was having breakfast out prior to the big holiday shopping spree.  There was a grandfather having a breakfast conversation with his two grandsons who looked to be about 9 and 12 years old.  My ears perked up when he said, “We need a plan…” He continued, “Well, your grandma is in on the plan and stands ready to wrap anything we bring home. And the best part is that she will keep your gift a secret!” They were talking about a strategy for shopping for the boys’ parent. I began imagining all sorts of fun they were going to have implementing their plan, learning how to give meaningfully to others. These types of conversations help to reinforce the values of gratitude, respect, and appreciation that we want to nurture in our children.

But during the recent holiday season, I noticed again an emphasis on getting rather than giving. Yet learning how to give meaningfully is a very important developmental achievement. When kids are not taught to give, we help to create a narcissistic society of individuals focused on fulfilling their own desires, who have a sense of entitlement. So we must counteract this “me-ism” through effortful practice. Teaching children and teens to do chores, making a contribution to the family system, helps them toward this end. But there needs to be something bigger, outside of the family, that kids can do to learn and to develop those core values of gratitude, respect, and appreciation. Developing an attitude of service by looking for and helping to meet the needs of others is one way to accomplish this.

Holidays and special events provide opportunities for instruction in the giving arts. One gift that anyone can give is that of service, a gift of time and effort invested in another.  Here are some ideas to help your family begin to practice developing a serving-others attitude:

~Pulling weeds for a senior in your neighborhood.

~Preparing and delivering a meal for a family.

~Washing windows for someone who is home bound.

~Serving up meals to the homeless.

~Adopting a family who have fallen on hard times and making sure each child has a new outfit for school.

~Getting a group of families together to clean up a trailer park.

If you take 1 day a month to do something as a family to give to others you will strengthen this attitude of service.  And you will all receive the joy that comes from giving.

I think that the grandparents of those two boys will receive the greatest joy this year because they participated in helping their grandchildren learn the attitude of service.  Oh, did I not mention that the youngest made a list of things that he could personally do for his mom?  One “coupon” is for a neck massage.

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, better known as ADHD is a developmental disorder.  As parents of these kids it is common to lament about the lack of attention, forgetfulness, or the amazing energy that sometimes can not be channelled.  While all of these symptoms are challenging it overshadows the real problem of the child/teens lack of impulse control.

In young children you may notice the snatching of toys from another child, pushing, biting, temper tantrums and a spontaneous eruption of behavior that leaves you confused.

In pre and early teens you may notice more impulsive behaviors like blurting out inappropriate comments, disruptions, agreeing to act on certain peer suggestions and beginning to experiment with cigarettes, alcohol or drugs.

During the late teens there is a marked increase in high risk behaviors partly because they are now driving and partly because most teens have the “I am invincible” attitude.

The holidays offer more opportunities for teens to engage in high risk behaviors.  So, today is the time to talk with your teen about drugs, alcohol, parties and driving.  I suggest setting up a plan in the event your teen needs your help.

1.  Whenever they go to a party send them with a fully charged cell phone.

2.  Establish a curfew.

3.  If your teen discovers there are drugs/alcohol at the party and they want to come home, have them go to the bathroom and call you.  Then you call them back in 5 minutes and insist they come home.  This way they can protest in front of their peers and blame it on you.  Eventually, they will be able to stand on their own to say no.

4.  Make an agreement in advance that if your teen has been drinking and they call you that you will pick them up, no questions asked.  You want to get them home safely and you want to monitor their health to determine if they need medical care.

5.  Keep asking the questions: “Is this what you want in your life?”  “How can I help you?”  “Do you know how worried I am about you?”

6.  Use these statements: “I love you.”  “I see a great future for you.”  “I am here for you.”  “These years can be tough, you can count on me.”  “I will do whatever it takes to help you without enabling you.”

7.  Openly talk with your teen about the long term issues with impulsive, high risk behaviors and ADHD with the possible consideration of medication.

May your holidays be a safe and happy one.

For more information on ADHD, Russell Barkley is the leading authority on the subject.

Yelling is everywhere these days.  We see examples of this at sporting events, in stores, in the parking lot and some while driving their car.  Wikipedia lists several reasons for yelling/screaming: 1 “Fear and Surprise” the result is to call attention to yourself. 2 “Happiness” which conveys a positive emotion to others. 3 “Danger and Pain” which informs others of danger.  Reading on it cites the battle cry, death growl and rebel yell as more options to consider.  Interestingly that this falls under oral communication to prepare for a battle.

I have to boldly ask if these are the reasons why parents yell at their children?  Go ahead, look at the definitions again.  Is one of them the reason for your yelling?

Think of a recent time you just “went off” or screamed at your children.  Did they react to this form of communication?  Some kids will yell back and before long a it becomes a competition of who can shout the loudest.  Some kids will simply stop listening because they realize given enough time you will run out of steam and either shut up or you will escalate and become even more abusive.  Other kids anticipate your mood and attack first “disrespecting” you.

Yet, in the quietness of the night you wonder how this has gotten out of control when you love them so much.  A change is needed.

Here are five suggestions to restore peace in your home.

1.  Take five.  Take some time for yourself daily.  Many times the fear you have inside can be dealt with if you stop and nurture yourself first.

2.  Lower expectations.  Keep the chores or request simple and age appropriate for your child.  Some five year olds can feed the dog consistently while other eight year olds struggle to remember and follow through.

3.  Keep work at work.  If you know you are stressed about worries this will get passed onto your children.  So leave your adult worries at work and focus on the kid worries at home.  After you have dealt with their concerns you can remind them to do their homework or chores.

4.  Break the habit.  If your child have the yelling habit already lower your voice and ask them to lower their voice.  For young children, you can say “use your inside voice”.  For older kids you can say, “I’m right here”.  Keep doing this until you are whispering.

5.  Check your altitude.  As adults we are typically taller than our children.  If you want to communicate with your child get eye level with him.  Speak softly while looking into her eyes and have a gentle touch on their shoulder.

If you have been using screaming or yelling as your style of communication do not despair.  You can make a change today.  Be persistent and consistent and the change will come.

May your home be filled with peace.

In California we are faced with fires that rip through the mountains and neighborhoods devouring anything in its path.  We have grown accustomed to watching the helicopter scoop/suck up water from nearby parks and lakes as they rush to drop it on the thirsty fires.  All this drama unfolds before us on TV or as an eyewitness.

As I write this the helicopters are still going back and forth.  I have no clue where the destination is as this year we have no TV and the radio stations are not broadcasting much information.  I have a phone number to call on the latest activities.

I do recognize that the TV does keep us informed and it is vital to have this information as a parent.  However, the broadcasts show the fires repeatedly with the field reporters giving us the facts in a delivery that is anxiety producing.  After a day of your child viewing this it can prevent them from sleeping at night and you may have more separation anxiety when school resumes.

Here are some suggestions on how to deal with the stress of fires or any disasters.

1.  Have a plan and calmly follow the plan.  Know what to take and what to leave behind.

2.  Favorite blankies and favorite toys are just as important to your children as passports are to you, so don’t forget them.

3.  Put the evacuation items in the car.

4.  Use the phone to get up to the minute information to stay informed. The reverse phone calls actually work so don’t be afraid you will be deserted.

5.  Spend time with your children watching videos or playing non-strenuous indoor games.

6.  If one parent goes into work have them call a couple of times just to chat.

7.  If the kids really want to see the news, let them see small doses maybe 10 minutes every few hours.  Or if the planes and helicopters are flying overhead have them count the different kinds of planes/helicopters.

8.  If you have restless teenagers and it is safe let them get together with friends for a couple of hours.

9.  Some teens feel compelled to help.  Help them gather cold drinks and donuts and take them to the firefighters parked up the street, or to the police who are in charge of working the barricades.

The more we practice modeling a calm environment our children will experience less anxiety.