I am drawn to the connections that occur whether it is abstract thoughts or with living beings.  For instance, we have an indoor cat that has become an outdoor cat.  Because he was raised with affection he had now made “friends” with the skunks and a possum that come nightly to eat his food.  It makes me laugh but he is really intent on sharing and doesn’t seem to mind.

I also find it interesting that many parents who are wondering and struggling with redefining themselves have kids who are just beginning to ask the question of who am I?  What is fascinating is that they are on a parallel journey of discovery.  But before you get all excited and want to bond with your child of this discovery there are some things you need to know.

~Your journey of self discovery began at birth as did theirs.  You however, have more years of knowledge and wisdom within you to pull on, while your child does not.

~Your child’s brain is actually growing in size, yours is not.  This adds to the adolescent confusion and lack of motivation as well as that annoying forgetful memory syndrome.

~Your child is becoming associated with abstract ideas/thoughts and you have been there for awhile.

~Your child needs peer support to validate the multiple roles or traits he/she wants to incorporate into his life.  You have come to the point where you don’t care what others think.  You have the attitude of a million people could say this won’t work, yet I am the majority.

However, there are similar issues.

~You are both hormonal which means that emotional upsets will and do happen.

~You are both asking the same questions of Who am I? Who do I want to be? How will this play out in life?

~You both want what is best for yourself.

~You both will experiment with different ideas and habits.

To avoid collision during this phase of life I have a few suggestions.

1.  Don’t try to be BFF’s (Best Friends Forever) with your child, you are the parent.

2.  Don’t make your journey more important.  In fact you are not there to share your issues with them.  This will alienate them from you causing great pain and making your journey more difficult.

3.  Rejoice when they discover a great thing about themselves, then nurture it.

4.  Nurture yourself and rejoice when you discover a great new you.

Remember that life is to be enjoyed.  Find humor in the fact that you are on parallel journeys and there will be days that are similar.  Set aside time for you to work on you.  This is exhausting to observe yourself changing while trying to parent your child going through this similar experience.

Your child is in the emergency room again while you stand there feeling helpless and not knowing what to do.  Your child comes in the back door from school and you notice he is sporting a black eye and a split lip.  You discover your adult child has been in an abusive relationship.  Have you ever noticed that when our children are in pain–whether that pain is physical or emotional–parental guilt seeps into our minds?   We begin to doubt parenting choices and we wonder if we could have prevented the harm they have fallen into.  Added to our already overly doubtful mind is the guilt of not being able to give  100% to our child’s problem.  We experience irrational behaviors of not eating well, becoming sleep deprived, not taking breaks or exercising.

As a mom with a high needs child I understand the desire to physically protect and to want to be there emotionally 100% of the time.  However, without taking care of ourselves we may not be strong enough to continue through the long haul of issues they must get through.  In an airplane when there is a crisis the oxygen masks drop down.  We are to put on our own oxygen mask prior to helping our children put theirs on.

Here are some survival tips to incorporate during a crisis with your child.

1.  Surround yourself with supportive people who really care.  Do not expend your energy on people who try to “one up” you.  For example, if you share something with someone and they say “oh, I know exactly what you mean…” and then make their story larger than reality that is called a “one up”.  If you leave the conversation feeling like you are carrying their burdens as well as your own, this is a clue that this is not healthy for you right now.  Trust your instincts.

2.  Get back to the basics in life.  Eat balanced meals, drink water rather than caffeine, exercise, breathe deeply, sleep, meditate and take guilt free breaks.

3.  Become knowledgeable about the options for your child’s recovery.

4.  Lean on your faith.

5.  Live in the moment.  Playing the “what if” game intensifies your fears and sense of helplessness.

6.  Make sure you keep your own medical appointments.

You are capable of going the distance with your child’s crisis but only if you take care of yourself as well.  Remember: put your oxygen mask on first.

When I was growing up my favorite show on television was the Brady Bunch.  “There’s a story…” I can still sing the song and hear the tune in my head.  I never stopped to wonder where the ex’s were in this blended family.  It clearly did not portray the reality of blending 2 families because the ex’s were not around and the children did not have 2 homes that they went back and forth to.

With this in mind I have made a list of parenting tips that seem to be helpful.  When a child lives in two separate homes there needs to be flexibility and a willingness to put aside your adult agenda and work to ensure what is best for your child.  When you chose to have your child you, in effect chose to be bound together for the rest of your lives.  Maybe your marriage or relationship failed, but don’t fail your child.  These tips can be helpful to parents and serve as a gentle reminder to self care and child care.

Communication.

It is important for the child to hear the voice of the parent each night.  So, if your child is with you, simply pick up the phone and dial the number to the other parent so they can talk together.  If the child is young, help them remember 2 things that happened that day to tell their parent.  When a child is older a cell phone can be used to go back and forth so the child can feel free to call to check in with the other parent.

It is important for the adult parents to communicate.  Issues such as discipline, moral development, social behaviors, manners, dating and appropriate demonstrations of love are the real topics that are of concern in rearing a child.  Parenting challenges need to be discussed together so the child is not dividing you.  These topics need to be discussed out of the home away from the ears of the children.

Boundaries.

Sometimes it is easy to overlook that even a small child can feel uncomfortable with touch and we can disregard their pleas to stop.  It is imperative that when a child says stop, stop!  For example, if someone is tickling a child it can be carried too far where it becomes painful.  If someone is doing something that grosses a child out or feels uncomfortable and the child says please stop, or don’t, STOP!  If this is left unchecked then the child doesn’t feel that he/she has power to protect themseles and worse is that he/she can not rely on adults to protect them.

Self-soothing.

Each child needs to take something they value and that gives them comfort while aat the other parent’s home.  They need a special place like a shoe box that they can put private and personal stuff in.  Also, a journal that goes back and forth to each parents home is helpful.  When the child is young the parent can write each day what the child has done (complete with firsts).  When the child begins to write they can journal about their day.

Spend special time with your child each day.  It builds trust, demonstrates love and caring.  When your child needs to tell you something they will know that you are the “safe” person to talk to.

Discipline.

It is my opinion that the biological parents need to do the discipline.  If the stepparent is alone with the child and there needs to be some sort of discipline, I find that a time out works well.  In placing a child in time out it is a consistent and specific place pre-determined by the adults.  The time limit is 1 minute for each birthday.  For instance if your child is 4 years old, 4 minutes is effective.  When the biological parent comes back into the home, quietly let them know why and how discipline was administered.

Gossip.

It does not serve you or your child to be denigrating your ex at all.  This just reinforces the anger you feel toward your ex and the children take cues from you.  I have seen where ther is open discussion of the ex’s faults and shortcomings or namecalling.  Years later the child discovers that the parent has tainted their views of their other parent and this will backfire on you as they become angry at your behavior.  This may result in a decision to not be affiliated with you at all.  So, in reality this serves no purpose at all.  Just rememer your e was good enough to produce your child at on time, and you would not have your precious child if it were not for that relationship.

Remember that all of you love your child and want what is best for him/her.  He/she did not choose to divorce, however, your behavior to each other can alleviate the tension he/she feels.

I received an email citing January is the month where the divorce rate is the highest.  For many kids this was not on the new year’s resolution list of things to deal with.  And yet it happens and they feel powerless to do anything about it.  Parents can actually help their children get through this or they can add to the general chaos.

I have found that couples generally fall somewhere between 2 extremes in thinking about their children and divorce.

The first extreme thought is “I choose to inflict pain on my ex by using the children as a weapon of war.  This means I will talk bad about my ex to my children, I will barter with my ex for visitation, or I will flat out manipulate the kids to behave badly so my ex will have to deal with poor behavior.”

The second extreme thought is “parenting will be too difficult so I am out of their lives.”

STOP!!!  Be honest with yourself.  Are you still ticked off with your ex and choose to be difficult to work with?  Do you fantasize about moving to Australia because you don’t want to face the reality of rearing children as a single parent?

There is a third option.  I propose a new attitude.  Copy this next section and read it as an affirmation.

” I want what is best for my child/ren.  I will put aside my anger and work with my ex.  Together, we will show our children the love and support that they need.”

Commit to saying this every day morning and evening for one month.  Slowly, you will be able to really focus past your own hurt to see your children’s hurt.  You will be able to bypass your own anger to see your child’s anger.  You will be able to respond to the feelings that your children have in order to help them through this difficult time.  This option is a selfless option and will take self monitoring.

I believe YOU can do this.

There are many stresses in the lives of parents these days.  Two are currently on a collision path.  The first stress is Christmas with the media emphasis on getting the right gifts for everyone.  The kids making out long lists of items they “just have to have”.  Letters are being written to Santa in hopes of getting everything just because they were “good” this year.  As a parent you see these lists, yet the second stressor of this season is the economy.    Should you spend your money on fulfilling your child’s wish list or should you stay on that budget?

I propose that now is the perfect opportunity to evaluate the “spending” values you want to share with your children.  In order to do this you need to decide what you think about money and the objects money can buy.

A simple paradigm to follow is to view items as needs verses wants.  For example food, clothing, shelter and love are needs, while the latest fashion, new cars, and the latest electronic gadgets are wants.

Let’s apply this to the Christmas wish list.

Step 1.  Read your child’s wish list.  Look for items you know they need.  Maybe a pair of jeans to replace the pair that has become too worn.

Step 2.  If you know of more need items write them on the list.

Step 3.  Total up what you are willing and able to spend on the need items.

Step 4.  Determine to stay within your budget.

Step 5.  Get at least one item from the wish list without going over your budget.

You can apply this needs vs. wants to vacation plans, to gift shopping, to grocery shopping and essentially every area in your life.  As you consistently do this it becomes a life long habit that you can pass down to your children.  In the process you will have also taught your children not to accumulate “stuff”.

It seems to be everywhere.  Whether I am shopping, sitting on the beach or in a restaurant, I see parents “struggling” with their children.  It could be a physical battle or a war of words.  The issues don’t matter.  It could be about wanting more candy, more privileges or just more than what the parent feels is good for the child/teen.

I sat on the beach a couple of weeks ago when the lifeguards put up the “do not go into the water” flag.  I was distracted by some yelling and looked to see a white haired pre-teen boy imploring his mom to let him swim.  He insisted that she was treating him like a baby.  She was just as adamant that he “obey” her.  She had told him no, but when he began arguing she switched to bribery and eventually to threatened loss of privileges.

As parents it is hard to find a balance between being permissive and controlling.  There are different styles that we tend to fall into.   The first style is the authoritarian parent.  This is the “obey me or else” or “do what I tell you to do”.  Using this style can result in a child learning external controls.  The second style is the indulgent parent.  These parents tend to be lenient and strives for the child’s approval.  These parents can’t seem to set clear boundaries.   The uninvolved parent really has no interest in parenting and tends to be irresponsible and neglectful.  The last parenting style is the authoritative parent.  These parents believe in natural consequences, and holding a child accountable for their own choices.  This teaches the child internal control.  I am partial to this particular style.

In the case of the pre-teen mom would have said “the lifeguards put the flag up to protect people.  The consequences of violating their rules could probably cost YOU a $100.00 fine.”  The focus is on the consequences of their choices.  The parent is instructive, informative and accountable in a way that conveys respect and love.

Second story.  When my oldest was 2 years old, he ran towards a very busy street.  Within nano seconds my mom adrenaline had kicked into full power and I had him by the straps of his Oshkosh overalls and yanked him to safety.  I could have let the natural consequences take their course (getting hit by a car) but, I decided to forgo this option.

Parenting with natural consequences does not mean letting your baby run into the street, not does it mean letting your child drive drunk.  It means that if a child breaks a toy he will replace it.  It means if your adolescent won’t do family chores she will pay for someone else to do them for her.  It means teaching your child about how the real world works and that there are consequences for the decisions we make.

The challenge

1.  Write out what type of parenting style you are currently using.

2.  Think about how this style will play out 5-10 years from now.

3.  Imagine what you want in terms of a relationship with your child.

4.  If you are off course with your dream parenting style, get back on.

5.  Share how you plan to apply the “natural consequence techniques”.

It was a refreshing moment when I overheard my 18 year old daughter saying, “My motto is, keep your mind open and your morals set.”  I immediately tuned into this discussion of beliefs that these two young ladies had about themselves and their behaviors towards others.   For example they would not judge others for doing things they personally have decided not to do.

I started thinking about how we as parents pass down values and morals to our children.  Overall, I think it is about our attitudes towards ourselves and to others.   If we criticize others we could be planting a judging attitude or negative attitude towards people in general.

If you haven’t thought about the morals you want your children/teens to have it might be time to start.

Find a quiet place– free of distractions to do this assignment.

~ Think about what you want to pass onto your children in terms of right vs. wrong.

~ Write down your morals, your beliefs about yourself and others.  Focus on love, empathy, trust and concern for others.

~ Write down what these beliefs would look like when put into action.  For instance, let’s say  one of your neighbors is struggling with an illness.  What needs to be done for them?  Mowing the lawn, grocery shopping, pulling weeds, or planting flowers could help your child develop outward thinking rather than “me” thinking.

~ Begin living with intentionality.  In other words live your life according to what you have written down.  Your children watch how your words are acted out in real life.  So, walk the talk.

~ Talk with your children about your beliefs that cause you to act/restrict your actions to yourself or others.

Do not be afraid of upholding your morals.  As your children get older you can be a great resource for them as they grapple with their own issues.  And don’t be surprised to overhear your child state with authority their personal morals.

My friend Jonna’s husband wrote this pledge back in 1986 which I ascribe to.

As a psychotherapist, I am privileged to know many people in depth and to help them in their efforts to resolve their emotional problems and live more fully.  Often frightened, confused, and in great pain, those seeking my help must trust me to care about them and be able to provide the help which I offer.

To be worthy of their trust–

- I must be aware that psychotherapy is a relationship based on the love of one human being for another.

- I must try to empathize fully with my clients so that I may better understand their problems and know their pain.

- I will accept my clients totally without judging, finding fault, or condemning them for their mistakes and I will attempt to communicate with them in the clearest possible terms.

- I must always be aware that I may participate in my client’s struggles only as a teacher, guide, and friend, knowing that ultimately they must heal themselves.

- I will encourage all of my clients to be hopeful and treat all of them with kindness and respect.

- To inspire my client’s trust, I will never flatter or encourage them falsely and I will always speak the truth.  Though at times I must be firm, I will never be unkind.

- Realizing that a psychotherapist is in a very influentual position, I will guard against any desire to control others.

- I will make every effort to be aware of my own values as well as my shortcomings and try not to impose them on others.

- Realizing that my clients are vulnerable to me emotionally, I will avoid romantic or sexual involvement with them.

- I will respect my client’s right to privacy and never treat their confidences as my property.

- Though I may be paid for my services, my love is freely given and I will never alow payment to become more important than my desire to help others.

- I will always be aware of my client’s investment in their psychotherapy of time, money, and pain.  Within the constraints of doing it well, I will complete their therapy as soon as possible.

- Knowing that I may become an exemplar to many of my clients, I will always strive to be authentic and to achieve my highest level of personal growth.

- With an appreciation for the uniqueness of every human being, I will strive to help all my clients realize their own potential.

- Recognizing my need to unerstand the endless and beautiful complexity of human beings, I will dedicate myself to a lifelong study of humankind.

Though I cannot be perfect as a psychotherapist I will always be conscientious in my efforts, knowing that I am privileged to have helping others as a profession.

Robert Alan Webb, Ph.D  June, 1986

Have you written out a parent’s pledge?

Have you made a pledge to yourself, on behalf of yourself?

I challenge you to do these 2 simple exercises and then evaluate how you feel or think about yourself.