I was traveling with my son to pick up my daughter from college.  My cell phone rang and I automatically answered it.  Meanwhile, a motorcycle policeman came up beside me and signaled me over with his left hand.  Well being the friendly person that I am I waved back.  Yep!  I was still holding my phone up to my ear and waving at him.  (He was not amused.)

Imagine my embarrassment when I got a ticket for driving and talking on the cell phone in front of my child.

I learned a few things that day.

1.  There are natural consequences throughout our life span.

2.  I can make a mistake in front of my adult children and they don’t “die” from embarrassment.

3.  Kids at any age can learn from our errors in judgment.

4.  If I am courteous under pressure to an authority figure my children learn how to deal with authority figures as well.

5.  Mistakes can draw a family closer.  It can be something to laugh about.  It can serve as reminders to obey the laws.  It can put us parents on the same human level as our children.

This ticket cost me $142.00.  A small price to pay for positive interaction with my children.

Here is your challenge.  Use your mistakes to help everyone grow rather than get mad and try to hide them.

Be safe out there and use your hands free device.

We took some Jr. High kids to Joshua Tree to go hiking.  It was an amazing day.  The wild flowers were blooming, the rock formations were eye catching, and the growth of new vegetation among the burn areas were inspiring.

We took a group photo prior to hiking the trail leading to a mine.  We started out as a group but I soon found myself at the end of the pack with one of the girls.  We were in no hurry as we talked together, stopped frequently to look at the wildness of the area and to take pictures.  With each new vertical hill to conquer she would say, “I don’t know if I can make it”.  I used variations of “one step at a time”, “hope springs eternal”, and “we are in this together”.

As we would reach the top we could see the group in the distance.  It was discouraging for her as she had not hiked before.  Eventually we made it to the mine.  It was surrounded by a fence, so we could not get close.  The group was sitting on a low wall and we joined them. She leaned into me and whispered, “Is this it?”  I smiled back sharing the same sentiment.  Since the others had been there for a half an hour they were  ready to go back.  She invited me to walk with her again.

On the return trip we found and explored an abandoned rock home, took more pictures of animals, burnt cactus that were blooming and simply enjoyed the views.  Toward the end she remarked that she was glad she was not at the front.  I asked why and here response was, “usually when I talk, no one really listens.”

There were two lessons I was reminded of that day.

1.  Teens really want someone to listen to them.  Listening to them is a simple gift we can give.

2.  In life we can get so caught up in getting to what we think is our destination that we forget to enjoy the journey.

When I was growing up I loved to listen to the stories my grandparents would tell. My grandfather, Pampaw, lived in Point Barrow, Alaska, working for the United States Geological Survey mapping out the Alaskan territory. He and his new wife, my grandmother, also worked with the native Americans bringing education to remote areas in Alaska. We loved listening to their stories. Like when Pampaw helped lead the search and rescue team after the fatal crash of Will Rogers’ and Wiley Post’s plane. After many years, they moved to the lower 48 and continued working with the native Americans in Arizona.

I learned from their stories what was important in my family’s heritage. It was clear that helping others, being resiliant, becoming educated, sacrificing for the good of the community, and facing challenges with courage were each a part of my family story. The stories and the values they communicated helped to define who I am today. I strive to pass these values on to my children; I hope that they have learned the lessons from our history.

Many forces work to shape who we are. In my case it was the lifestory of fearless grandparents who faced difficulty with dignity, persevering in spite of many obstacles. Other forces shape our values: religion, ethnicity, political affiliation, economic conditions, and more.

What has helped to shape your life? How have these forces been at work in your life and in your family?

Is it a unique or inspiring family story that helped to shape you? How are you defined by your religious beliefs? Do you celebrate your ethnicity and culture? What priority do politics play in your family? Is your current financial status defining who you are? Are you mission minded or service oriented?

So here is my challenge to you. After making time to define your family values (considering questions like those above), take time to pass them on both in story and in action.

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, better known as ADHD is a developmental disorder.  As parents of these kids it is common to lament about the lack of attention, forgetfulness, or the amazing energy that sometimes can not be channelled.  While all of these symptoms are challenging it overshadows the real problem of the child/teens lack of impulse control.

In young children you may notice the snatching of toys from another child, pushing, biting, temper tantrums and a spontaneous eruption of behavior that leaves you confused.

In pre and early teens you may notice more impulsive behaviors like blurting out inappropriate comments, disruptions, agreeing to act on certain peer suggestions and beginning to experiment with cigarettes, alcohol or drugs.

During the late teens there is a marked increase in high risk behaviors partly because they are now driving and partly because most teens have the “I am invincible” attitude.

The holidays offer more opportunities for teens to engage in high risk behaviors.  So, today is the time to talk with your teen about drugs, alcohol, parties and driving.  I suggest setting up a plan in the event your teen needs your help.

1.  Whenever they go to a party send them with a fully charged cell phone.

2.  Establish a curfew.

3.  If your teen discovers there are drugs/alcohol at the party and they want to come home, have them go to the bathroom and call you.  Then you call them back in 5 minutes and insist they come home.  This way they can protest in front of their peers and blame it on you.  Eventually, they will be able to stand on their own to say no.

4.  Make an agreement in advance that if your teen has been drinking and they call you that you will pick them up, no questions asked.  You want to get them home safely and you want to monitor their health to determine if they need medical care.

5.  Keep asking the questions: “Is this what you want in your life?”  “How can I help you?”  “Do you know how worried I am about you?”

6.  Use these statements: “I love you.”  “I see a great future for you.”  “I am here for you.”  “These years can be tough, you can count on me.”  “I will do whatever it takes to help you without enabling you.”

7.  Openly talk with your teen about the long term issues with impulsive, high risk behaviors and ADHD with the possible consideration of medication.

May your holidays be a safe and happy one.

For more information on ADHD, Russell Barkley is the leading authority on the subject.

Yelling is everywhere these days.  We see examples of this at sporting events, in stores, in the parking lot and some while driving their car.  Wikipedia lists several reasons for yelling/screaming: 1 “Fear and Surprise” the result is to call attention to yourself. 2 “Happiness” which conveys a positive emotion to others. 3 “Danger and Pain” which informs others of danger.  Reading on it cites the battle cry, death growl and rebel yell as more options to consider.  Interestingly that this falls under oral communication to prepare for a battle.

I have to boldly ask if these are the reasons why parents yell at their children?  Go ahead, look at the definitions again.  Is one of them the reason for your yelling?

Think of a recent time you just “went off” or screamed at your children.  Did they react to this form of communication?  Some kids will yell back and before long a it becomes a competition of who can shout the loudest.  Some kids will simply stop listening because they realize given enough time you will run out of steam and either shut up or you will escalate and become even more abusive.  Other kids anticipate your mood and attack first “disrespecting” you.

Yet, in the quietness of the night you wonder how this has gotten out of control when you love them so much.  A change is needed.

Here are five suggestions to restore peace in your home.

1.  Take five.  Take some time for yourself daily.  Many times the fear you have inside can be dealt with if you stop and nurture yourself first.

2.  Lower expectations.  Keep the chores or request simple and age appropriate for your child.  Some five year olds can feed the dog consistently while other eight year olds struggle to remember and follow through.

3.  Keep work at work.  If you know you are stressed about worries this will get passed onto your children.  So leave your adult worries at work and focus on the kid worries at home.  After you have dealt with their concerns you can remind them to do their homework or chores.

4.  Break the habit.  If your child have the yelling habit already lower your voice and ask them to lower their voice.  For young children, you can say “use your inside voice”.  For older kids you can say, “I’m right here”.  Keep doing this until you are whispering.

5.  Check your altitude.  As adults we are typically taller than our children.  If you want to communicate with your child get eye level with him.  Speak softly while looking into her eyes and have a gentle touch on their shoulder.

If you have been using screaming or yelling as your style of communication do not despair.  You can make a change today.  Be persistent and consistent and the change will come.

May your home be filled with peace.

I sat with a group of middle school kids and pondered the questions, “What does least mean?, Who are the least in society? and Who are the least in school?”

The definition of least was viewed as less than, not the most, undesirable, not as much and at the bottom.

They thought that society viewed the following as the least: homeless people, ugly people, obese people, poor people, undocumented people and different people.  They also threw in black widow spiders, mosquitos and their least favorite sports teams.

Following the same thought and applying it to the school setting their belief was that in the school setting the least was defined as: Kindergartners, 7th graders, 9th graders, kids who don’t excel in school, sensitive kids, not popular, socially awkward, ugly, obese and not pretty.

As a way to figure out how to treat others we asked them why they do things.  The answers ranged from “because we are told to and there is either a reward or punishment attached”. Clearly the thought did not occur to them that they had a choice and that is our responsibility to make that choice.

With this in mind I am reminded each day in some way how I am treating others.  Because if we have a choice (and we do) why not have the motivation to do this simply because it is the right thing to do not for any reward or out of fear of punishment?

I challenge you to have this discussion with your tween or teen and see the outcome of the discussion.  Then give them the challenge to champion the people who are viewed as the least in their school.

Thought I would share with you a video about play.  I was interviewed on the importance of play in life and how it relates to our spirituality.  This was produced by the youth pastor, Dustin Comm, from one of the local churches in Calimesa.

Thoughts on Play

Many families have done a great job of teaching the kids to say, “I’m sorry”.  If a child/teen calls someone a name they will be reminded to say those two words…I’m sorry.  However, true confession isn’t really there until certain steps are followed.

There are three steps to this process confession, repentence, restitution.  Many times this is not enough for true forgiveness in the family and can slip into the mundane.  I believe it is important to teach children five steps to help them understand the impact of their behavior to others and to show them others have choices.

The five steps to forgiveness

1.  Confession.  I called you “fat”.

2.  Knowledge.  I know you don’t like this because it hurts your feelings.

3.  Repentence.  I am sorry.

4.  Response.  Will you forgive me?

5.  Restitution.  How can I make it up to you?

Do you see the difference?  It becomes a process of dialogue of problem solving.  It also involves choices for both parties.  Maybe in step 4 the other person is not ready to forgive.  The child who called the name will have to let it rest awhile or maybe have to live knowing they crossed the line for the other person.

In step 5 as you supervise this process make sure the answer is not, “don’t do it again”.  Both children need to really think and work on the process.

One last thought.  Asking our children to forgive us for wrongs is very powerful in making connections with our children.

I have been playing the cutest game called “Farm Town”.  Now farm town is about building a community that will help you harvest your crops, keep in touch, and tend to your farm while you are away (from the computer).  We plow and plant, arrange crops and trees, expand our property and eventually have enough coins to buy a house.  If I am short of coins, I can to to the marketplace and seek out a job.

As I was mindlessly plowing my mind began to free associate and I realized this game parallels the rearing of children/teens.  The child at birth is essentially an empty field of grass that we can feed, water and generally take care of.  In order for the child to grow and mature we must tend to the soil, plant good seeds and harvest.

The plowing is in reality a tuning in, listening, watching and understanding how the child needs to be responded to.

You then decide what type of seed you will plant.  Should you sow seeds of kindness or selfishness?  Will you choose seeds of love, anger or hatred?  Through a gentle touch, words of kindness, or of encouragement and love you are consistently planting the seeds of gentleness, kindness and love.

Here are two things I would have you do to be more aware.

1.  Make a list of the ideas you are planting in your child/teen’s brain on a daily basis.  Lay it all out there whether it is good or bad.

2.  Monitor your words.  Here is a good seed to plant, “I love you”, “I am proud of you”.  Here is a seed you don’t want planted, ” I love you, but I don’t like you”.  *sigh*

Words are powerful use them carefully.

I simply love a good joke or the perfectly executed prank.  April 1st is usually the day to get silly.  Personally, I use the entire month to celebrate laughter.  I believe that as adults we need to be able to laugh at ourselves and keep some of the heaviness out of our lives.

Humor is rooted in childhood and grows along the same developmental path as your child.  Peek-a-boo is a game that we all play with our children and I believe sets the stage for humor development.  As your child becomes older have some knock, knock jokes ready.  Here is an oldie I learned as a 5 year old.

Knock, knock.   Who’s there?  Banana.  Banana who?  Knock knock.  Who’s there?  Orange.  Orange who?  Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?

Develop some chicken jokes.  Why did the chicken cross the road?  To get to the other side.  This is very concrete and can be visualized.  Then as your child matures add a little more abstract thought…around 12 years of age.

One day a year plan a silly meal.  Use mashed potatoes, put food coloring in it and shovel some into your mouth and play lookie, lookie.  For some clarification, when you say lookie, you open your mouth to show the gross mashed potatoes.  It is ill-mannered, but so much fun.  The cool thing is your children will begin to linger at the table, laughing and talking.

Around 14 years of age begin to tell jokes that help them think outside the box by following subtle directions.

If you want to have fun, develop this now.  So get some books on good, clean jokes and giggle with your children.   I believe that laughter is the best medicine.