It is the time of year when many of us are making resolutions.  Some want to break habits such as smoking, overeating, or drinking.  Some want to develop habits as reading more, exercising more or parenting better.  If we fail to break these goals down into measurable steps, chances are we may fail.  A while back a colleague’s husband wrote down a parenting pledge that is specific and meets children’s needs.

The Parents’ Pledge

“As a parent my greatest wish is that my children will have a life filled with happiness and the joy of loving; therefore, I will always try to understand and fulfill their needs.

I.     Through touching, I will show my children that they are loved so that they can give throughout their lives.

II.    My children need not earn my love for I will give it freely without reservation or limit.

III.   To help my children become self-confident, I will teach them with encouragement, not criticism, and I will always try to emphasize their good qualities.

IV.   To build confidence and help my children mature, I will encourage them to do for themselves things they can do.

V.    To prevent my children from being fearful, I will try not to worry or protect them more than is necessary.

VI.    I will try to remember that my children are not my property but separate people whom I may guide but must gradually set free.

VII.   I will teach my children that they must not be overly concerned with others’ opinions of them so they will learn to think for themselves.

VIII.  In order that my children will learn to value their own opinions and ideas, I will listen to them with interest and respect.

IX.    To teach my children respect for authority and to develop their self-discipline, I will insist in a kind but firm manner that my instructions be obeyed.

X.     Realizing that my children will imitate me, I will always try to be a good model for them.

XI.    To teach my children tolerance, I will try not to judge, condemn, or find fault with others.

XII.   I will not give my children more than they should have, lest they become wasteful and demanding.

XIII.  I will teach my children to share and consider the needs and feelings of others so that they will become kind and generous people.

XIV.  I will teach my children that gentleness is not weakness and that they should share their feelings with those they love.

XV.   I will show my children that I love sons and daughters equally, and I will not condemn sexual love so that they may enjoy it when they are mature.

XVI.  I will teach my children that they will find happiness through giving love, not through seeking it.

I now that I cannot be a perfect parent, but in order to protect my children from emotional problems and help secure a happy life for them, I will always try to meet these needs.

Finally, I wish for my children to know that they are a joy to me, a gift of the universe.”

The late Dr. Robert Alan Webb

I challenge you to consider making resolutions this year that are specific about your parenting attitudes and actions.

As parents we educate our children/teens about drugs and alcohol citing the addictive nightmares this can have on their lives.  But, are you aware that cutting oneself, eating disorders, porn, anxiety, virtual gaming, shopping and gambling can also be addictive and have similar results?

Cutting or self-injurious behavior is when a teen uses an object to cut on the skin in an attempt to draw blood.  There are many reasons why they may engage in this ritual.  They may feel hopeless, depressed or anxious.  Bullying, attention-seeking, wanting to punish someone or joining a peer group are also some of the reasons why cutting may start.

There are chat rooms which encourage kids to cut.  They explain in detail where to cut, the best instrument to use, the angle so as ot to go too deep and how to get more blood to come out.  The problem here is that once a teen begins to cut as a form of emotional release or to numb out it can become habit forming.

Developmentally, your teen is trying to figure out who they are and are leaning on their peer group more than you.  This is normal for them.  What is NOT normal is a group of friends that encourage cutting or other forms of self-injury.

I encourage you to get to now your child’s friends.  Be supportive and willing to talk about what is bothering them.  Watch your teen for signs of depression, anxiety, or cuts that can not be explained.  If you discover that your teen is cutting, take it seriously.  Many times the cutting becomes deeper resulting in an injury that may be life-threatening.

In all ways stay connected.

Charlie Brown and Chris (According to Chris) have many thing in common.  Both are trying to navigate life amidst the drama of relationships at school and at home.  It is sad and exhausting to watch these “characters” try different ways to shed the drama only to be a target of criticism and ridicule with their peers.

Their sadness and lonliness is palpable and just when you think the depression will overcome these boys, the storyline changes and “life” becomes grand again.  Ah, such is the fantasy of TV-land.

In real life it appears that our kids are not so lucky.  Tweens and teens are hurting inside.  When they attempt to express their pain they can be labeled as “the drama queen/king” or “Emo”.  This drives the message into their thoughts that people don’t care, or they are not worth the bother or “again?”  This internalized pain with isolation and rejection can result in them becoming suicidal.

Here is a quick checklist for you/someone you know that might be at risk for suicide.

1.  They verbalize that they don’t want to live.

2.  They withdraw from friends and family.

3.  Eating or sleeping patterns change.

4.  They are experiencing relationship troubles more than usual.

5.  They don’t seem to care about their belongings and may even give them away.

6.  After a lot of turmoil there seems to be a sense of calm-almost peace with them.  This could mean they are at peace with the decision to “off themselves”.

Get help now!  Today!  Take your friend, teen, tween or child to the nearest emergency room.  If you are thinking about suicide go to your school counselor, teacher, or principal.  Tell your parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, neighbor or pastor.  We want you alive!  We  want to support you in your life journey. We want to help you navigate through the pain to be happy and proud of yourself.

When entrusting the care of your child to a helping professional, you have a right to know the provider’s qualifications.

There are many modalities (styles) of play therapy, special ways of working with children and teens.  Most  therapists who specialize in working with kids have some skill in several modalities and great skill with at least one modality.  Children do not usually have the vocabulary to communicate their inner feelings.  This is very important.  Toys are the words, and play is the language, that a child uses.  A trained and experienced counselor understands this language of play and can help.  Here are some specific questions to ask about the counselor and about the kind of play therapy the counselor will be doing.

• What special training do you have in the area of child or teen counseling?

• Which style(s) of play therapy do you have supervised training and experience using?

• How many clinical hours of supervised child, teen or play therapy counseling do you have?

• As a parent, am I welcome in the room during the play therapy session?

• What style of play therapy would you use to help my child?

Finding the right therapist is an important step in the healing and growth process.