Young adult: “My mom was so mean to me! She made me do chores!”
Me: “What kind of chores?”
Young adult: “Dusting, mopping, vacuuming, and washing dishes.”
Me: “How old were you?”
Young adult: “I was in High School.”
Me: (stunned silence)

This type of conversation has been increasing over the years, and I think that I need to address the issue of chores.

1. Doing chores is a part of teaching children responsibility, obedience, a sense of accomplishment, inclusiveness in the family, and learning independence skills for adulthood.
2. Before age one, children pick up and drop items, exploring and learning to manipulate them. Why not start teaching age appropriate chores then? For example, during bath time, have your child grab and drop his floating toys one by one into a mesh bag. Celebrate with a “splash time” and then take him out of the bath.
3. By age two children can put toys into baskets, “do dishes,” help with meal preparation (e.g., washing potatoes for boiling), and choose clothes to wear when given two choices. These can be fun chores done together.
4. By age five children can “help sweep” with you, dust with a sock on their hand, wipe a sink after using it, and put dirty clothes in a hamper.
5. Between ages nine and ten, your child can learn how to wash, dry, fold, and put away their laundry, make a meal, keep their room clean, vacuum, mop, clean the entire bathroom and kitchen.

With all things there needs to be balance, so here is a list I want you to think about.

1. Just because a child/teen can do all the chores listed in number five above does NOT mean that they should clean the entire home by themselves. Your children are not your slaves.
2. You are NOT your child’s slave. Divide up the household chores and do the big ones together.
3. If you have a tendency to be perfectionistic, do not require this of your child. Seriously, having your child pull out the stove or refrigerator every week to clean behind and under it, might really be your issue!
4. Mix the chores with fun. If you wash the car together have a friendly water fight. When pulling weeds talk to each other, or lay down in the grass for a break and watch the clouds.
5. Stop arguing over the uncompleted chores. Use natural consequences instead. If your son fails to pick up his toys by an agreed time of day, you might try this: pick up the toys; tell him that when he picks them up he gets to keep them in his room; when you pick them up they go into your room. For older children do the same but add, “How will you pay me for doing your chore?” Give suggestions.
6. Do NOT invent last minute chores before your teen goes out. Could this be your way of avoiding the real issue of you not wanting them to go out?
7. Stay calm. It is a big mistake to allow anger or resentment to show as this will give your child permission to argue with you.

It is never too late to help your child develop the necessary skills that it takes to be a functional adult. The question is when will you start?

Take a moment to picture your ideal child. Is the child polite, thoughtful and kind? What about obedient, open to your directions and honest? Does the child get good grades? Is he or she helpful and socialized?

Most—if not all—parents have a picture in their mind of what their child will look like, as well as how they will behave growing up. Many times, we think back on our own history and try to predict who our children will be. For instance, I was naive to think that because I was compliant and self-motivated that my children would follow my footsteps. That fairytale thinking died quickly when my son came. With him, I was a regular caller to poison control and a frequent flyer at the emergency rooms for stitches. I was on a first-name basis at “Toys’R'Us” where I had to buy car seat after car seat trying to find one that my Houdini-child could not escape from. And I became a handy-woman attempting to double child-proof anything that could be opened or crawled on. As you can see, my ideal-child-dream was shattered.

In thinking back, I laugh at his antics and curiosity. I smile when I hear his child-voice in my head asking questions and making declarative sentences like, “Me and Lissa will go play in mud and be Indians!” My firstborn has ADHD, is gifted, hyperactive (did I mention that already?), funny, hard-working and follows his own dreams, not mine. It didn’t take me long to realize my children are not my dream children: they are unique individuals with different personalities, challenges and gifts, and I love them all the more for it.

One way to free yourself of your anger, disappointment and fear about your child or teen is to quickly acknowledge when you are living in your dream world. It may sound harsh but the sooner you realize the person before you is your real child, the sooner you can parent more effectively.

Six steps to parent your real child; not the dream child.

1.  Write out your vision of your dream child. Think about it, smile about your dream and turn the page and write about who your child really is.

2.  Observe the strengths of your child. Does your he make friends easily? Is she good in Math, Science, or History? Is your child good in sports? Iss he or she affectionate?

3.  Write out the growing edges that your child has. Is your child bossy? Is your child impulsive? Is your child sensitive or does he or she have a learning problem?

4.  Take your list of “growing edges” and re-label them. “Bossy” can be re-framed as a “leader”. “Impulsive” can be re-labeled as “spontaneous” or “flexible”. The “sensitive” child can be “intuitive”. If you bump up against a part of your child’s growing edges that may cause harm or is socially unacceptable, put a star beside it or underline it.

5.  The habits you starred or underlined are the habits you can help him or her develop into successful traits. Work on only one habit at a time and do not become emotionally charged about them. Parent from your head.

6.  Love them unconditionally no matter what. This does not mean that you can excuse them when they misbehave. But if they know that their parents love and support them, they will have the confidence to go out into the world as stronger individuals in the future.

Parenting a pre-teen or teen is an incredible roller coaster ride. You may feel so excited that you are communicating with your teen. The two of you are in sync. Life is smooth. Just when you are feeling at the top of your parenting game your stomach turns to knots as the roller coaster plunges you into feelings of inadequacy with the turmoil of emotional fights.

Does this feel familiar?

Here are some facts that I want you to remember.

~ Parenting is not for cowards.

~ You are the parent and authority figure in the home.

~ You are NOT your teen’s best friend.

~ You create the rules in the home and they are about safety. Any other rule is your issue that you have to deal with inside yourself.

~ You are the role model. Kids will learn social skills, work ethics, problem-solving skills and moral development by watching you.

~ Focus only on behaviors not the attitude when there is a problem. Remember the behavior change is what you want.

~ Everyone, including you, get “do-overs” everyday.

Now think about the roller coaster for a minute. It takes off fast to gain traction. It usually climbs slowly to the top and then takes off on all the twists and turns seemingly to defy gravity. Just when you can’t seem to take any more it suddenly stops. This describes a parent’s emotions when you allow your feelings or your child’s emotions to cloud the real issues. This is an adrenaline rush that can leave you exhausted physically and emotionally.

The secret is to focus on only what you can see and hear. These are the actions or behaviors that you address. For example, you see your teen cleaning the kitchen and you hear them grumbling simultaneously. Take a moment when the task is completed to say, “I really like to see you doing your chores, good job!” Did you notice that you don’t focus on the grumbling? That is right, if they are doing the action they are doing their job. The grumbling is a way of saving face or a way to bait you into a fight to relive their internal pressure. Let it go and move on.

My challenge to you is to focus only on the behaviors you see or you hear.

Grief, mourning and bereavement are fancy words to describe the phases of adjustment that we go through during a loss. A loss for a child/teen can be from a death, health, divorce, change in school, moving, break ups, being bullied, theft of personal property, intrusion or violation.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross described five stages that a person goes through during grief. They are:

1. Shock and denial where the reaction is “Noooo, this can’t be happening.”

2. Anger which is directed to anyone they can blame.

3. Bargaining with God, authority figures or someone whom they perceive to have power.

4. Depression where the grief work seems to be the focus.

5. Acceptance and moving on with life.

It is not a step-by-step process but more of a continuous wave of different phases crashing like waves over you. Some waves are small while others come in sets and pummel you to your knees and tossing you onto land again.

Children grieve as well but it is manifested in behavioral and somatic ways. Grief reactions include:

~ Feelings of helplessness, “I can’t.”

~ Somatic complaints; choking, lump in throat or tightness in chest, stomach aches, shallow breathing, sighing, nausea, feeling tired, or having diarrhea.

~ Lashing out or temper tantrums, whining, hitting, or oppositional behavior.

~ Expressing guilt, insist the loved one will come back, report hearing the loved ones’ voice.

~ Depression or mood changes, restlessness, decrease in concentration, crying, no energy, sleeping disturbances/nightmares and bed wetting.

Teens may have many symptoms listed above but know that death is permanent. They will experience feelings more intensely because their body is undergoing hormonal changes during this time. In addition they may feel guilt, burdened, pressure to step up and be an adult, feel the need to care for the remaining adult, isolate, withdraw socially, act out, begin to drink or do drugs to avoid the pain and get frustrated easily.

Parenting Tips

When talking to your children/teen use the correct terminology. If someone has died use the term death/died. Do not use left, passed, sleeping, with Jesus, lost or took a journey. Using these words may cause fears or unrealistic anger. For instance, if you use the words “they are sleeping” the child will have fears of going to sleep. If you say “they went to live with Jesus” the child gets the idea that Jesus is mean or the person did not like living with them anymore.

Spend extra time with your child/teen. Let them see you cry sometimes so it gives permission for them to express their emotion. Accept their emotions as the feelings come.

Stay on a schedule for sleeping, eating healthy and caring for their body. Increase fluid intake and some dietitians recommend a daily banana to help with potassium loss. Keep life simple by taking time to laugh, walk, play or go somewhere for a shared experience. Hold off on making major life changes for at least a year.

Recognize that there will be setbacks on the anniversary of that death, birthdays, holidays, when friends talk about their family, important events like prom, graduation, and all the “firsts.” Be aware of the words that you use. Saying, “I could have died laughing or from embarrassment” can freak a child out.

Grief work is different for everyone. The working through of grief may last as long as two years with setbacks occurring periodically. Have patience with yourself and with your child. Know that with your help, they are doing the best that they can. And if you feel overwhelmed there are professionals and groups to help you get through this time.

You must understand that technology is not my thing. The first time I saw a computer was when my husband bought a Comador 64. I personally had and still have a typewriter. We upgraded to some other computer of which I can’t remember. This computer was handed down to my then 5^th grader. This computer became all mine in 2007 when I decided that my practice needed to become more up to date. I started my first website using this clunky machine.

Soon after I discovered what web surfing was all about. So I began signing up to put free ads on different sites like Yelp, LinkedIn and Namz. Before long I kept seeing my name and calimesa counseling pop up on this internet. I was amazed to see what I started take on a life of its own (apparently that is called “organic”). Truly we are living in an era where information is at our finger tips and I don’t have to lug out the giant dictionary, thesaurus, history books or map books.

Recently I went to eat at a restaurant where I will just say I won’t go back. I got onto Yelp and wrote my first review chastising the filthiness of the restaurant, the scarcity of food selections and how rude the staff was to me. I felt a sense of power knowing that people would heed my warning and stay away from this place.

Then I decided to write a review about my favorite sushi place. A-a-a-a. The words were difficult in coming into my head. I wrote and re-wrote and ended up with a very lame but high star review. It didn’t feel right somehow. Why was the negative so easy to be passionate about and yet the positive came with a struggle? I am normally a very positive person so this was worrisome to me.

Amidst all of my own confusion and struggling to straighten out my attitude I kept hearing the kids/teens I work with express these wishes. “I wish that my parents would listen to me”, “I wish that someone would love me”, “I wish that my parent’s would approve or even like me”, “I desperately want my parents to notice the good person that I am rather than just yell at me”, “I wish that my teachers would see that I need some help, that I am all alone at school”.

These comments seemed to parallel my thoughts on how easy it is to speak the negative and how difficult it is to speak positively. We may be good at uplifting others but somehow our families are held to a higher standard and are easy targets for our disappointments.

If you somehow resonate with this issue here are some thoughts to keep in mind when communicating with your teen.

~ When your child comes home from school, ask how their day was. Really listen to what they are saying and what they are not saying. Eye contact will help you watch their body language as well.

~ Ask questions for more clarification. Remember the who, what, when, where, why and how questions.

~ If they are upset, reach out your hand and touch their shoulder in a clockwise circle.

~ Do not give them pat answers, ask them what they want. Help them find their own solutions so it empowers them.

~ Let them know you have faith in their ability to find a solution.

~ Tell them that you love them. They may be different from you but love their uniqueness.

Start this month to really make a positive difference in your child’s life. Just as you reach up to take someone’s hand to lean on, reach back and take your teens hand to pull them up creating a human chain of caring.