Parenting a pre-teen or teen is an incredible roller coaster ride. You may feel so excited that you are communicating with your teen. The two of you are in sync. Life is smooth. Just when you are feeling at the top of your parenting game your stomach turns to knots as the roller coaster plunges you into feelings of inadequacy with the turmoil of emotional fights.

Does this feel familiar?

Here are some facts that I want you to remember.

~ Parenting is not for cowards.

~ You are the parent and authority figure in the home.

~ You are NOT your teen’s best friend.

~ You create the rules in the home and they are about safety. Any other rule is your issue that you have to deal with inside yourself.

~ You are the role model. Kids will learn social skills, work ethics, problem-solving skills and moral development by watching you.

~ Focus only on behaviors not the attitude when there is a problem. Remember the behavior change is what you want.

~ Everyone, including you, get “do-overs” everyday.

Now think about the roller coaster for a minute. It takes off fast to gain traction. It usually climbs slowly to the top and then takes off on all the twists and turns seemingly to defy gravity. Just when you can’t seem to take any more it suddenly stops. This describes a parent’s emotions when you allow your feelings or your child’s emotions to cloud the real issues. This is an adrenaline rush that can leave you exhausted physically and emotionally.

The secret is to focus on only what you can see and hear. These are the actions or behaviors that you address. For example, you see your teen cleaning the kitchen and you hear them grumbling simultaneously. Take a moment when the task is completed to say, “I really like to see you doing your chores, good job!” Did you notice that you don’t focus on the grumbling? That is right, if they are doing the action they are doing their job. The grumbling is a way of saving face or a way to bait you into a fight to relive their internal pressure. Let it go and move on.

My challenge to you is to focus only on the behaviors you see or you hear.

“Telephone” was a popular social game when I was growing up.  Here is how it is played.  Get some people together and sit in a circle or stand in a line.  One person is told three or four sentences.  That person whispers to the next person what they think they have heard.  This continues until the last person has to say it out loud.  In the end it is obvious how jumbled up those sentences are from the original sentences.

This game in its simplicity illustrates the distortion that happens when we pass along “facts” gleaned from another person’s whisper.  This happens to all of us at some point in our lives and inundates the class room of schools and work place.

Here are some simple steps you can take to stop gossip.

1.  Decide gossip is not something you want to participate in.

2.  When you are tempted to “tell” another person something about someone else ask yourself, “Is this my story to tell?”

3.  When a friend begins to share a story which changes into a gossip session say, “This is not my story to hear.”  If you really want to be bold you can ask the other person, “Is this your story to share?”

4.  Remember that if people are gossiping about someone to you, they are most likely sharing your story with others.

Our children/teens are watching the behaviors we do and listening to the words we say.  This is one way they learn social skills that they take into the school setting.  If you practice this no gossip stance, one day you will be rewarded by hearing your child say, “It is not my story to hear or say.”

I was traveling with my son to pick up my daughter from college.  My cell phone rang and I automatically answered it.  Meanwhile, a motorcycle policeman came up beside me and signaled me over with his left hand.  Well being the friendly person that I am I waved back.  Yep!  I was still holding my phone up to my ear and waving at him.  (He was not amused.)

Imagine my embarrassment when I got a ticket for driving and talking on the cell phone in front of my child.

I learned a few things that day.

1.  There are natural consequences throughout our life span.

2.  I can make a mistake in front of my adult children and they don’t “die” from embarrassment.

3.  Kids at any age can learn from our errors in judgment.

4.  If I am courteous under pressure to an authority figure my children learn how to deal with authority figures as well.

5.  Mistakes can draw a family closer.  It can be something to laugh about.  It can serve as reminders to obey the laws.  It can put us parents on the same human level as our children.

This ticket cost me $142.00.  A small price to pay for positive interaction with my children.

Here is your challenge:  Use your mistakes to help everyone grow rather than get mad and try to hide them.

Be safe out there and use your hands free device.

We took some Jr. High kids to Joshua Tree to go hiking.  It was an amazing day.  The wild flowers were blooming, the rock formations were eye catching, and the growth of new vegetation among the burn areas were inspiring.

We took a group photo prior to hiking the trail leading to a mine.  We started out as a group but I soon found myself at the end of the pack with one of the girls.  We were in no hurry as we talked together, stopped frequently to look at the wildness of the area and to take pictures.  With each new vertical hill to conquer she would say, “I don’t know if I can make it”.  I used variations of “one step at a time”, “hope springs eternal”, and “we are in this together”.

As we would reach the top we could see the group in the distance.  It was discouraging for her as she had not hiked before.  Eventually we made it to the mine.  It was surrounded by a fence, so we could not get close.  The group was sitting on a low wall and we joined them. She leaned into me and whispered, “Is this it?”  I smiled back sharing the same sentiment.  Since the others had been there for a half an hour they were ready to go back.  She invited me to walk with her again.

On the return trip we found and explored an abandoned rock home, took more pictures of animals, burnt cactus that were blooming and simply enjoyed the views.  Toward the end she remarked that she was glad she was not at the front.  I asked why and here response was, “usually when I talk, no one really listens.”

There were two lessons I was reminded of that day.

1.  Teens really want someone to listen to them.  Listening to them is a simple gift we can give.

2.  In life we can get so caught up in getting to what we think is our destination, that we forget to enjoy the journey.

When I was growing up I loved to listen to the stories my grandparents would tell. My grandfather, Pampaw, lived in Point Barrow, Alaska, working for the United States Geological Survey mapping out the Alaskan territory. He and his new wife, my grandmother, also worked with the native Americans bringing education to remote areas in Alaska. We loved listening to their stories. Like when Pampaw helped lead the search and rescue team after the fatal crash of Will Rogers’ and Wiley Post’s plane. After many years, they moved to the lower 48 and continued working with the native Americans in Arizona.

I learned from their stories what was important in my family’s heritage. It was clear that helping others, being resilient, becoming educated, sacrificing for the good of the community, and facing challenges with courage were each a part of my family story. The stories and the values they communicated helped to define who I am today. I strive to pass these values on to my children; I hope that they have learned the lessons from our history.

Many forces work to shape who we are. In my case it was the life-story of fearless grandparents who faced difficulty with dignity, persevering in spite of many obstacles. Other forces shape our values: religion, ethnicity, political affiliation, economic conditions, and more.

What has helped to shape your life? How have these forces been at work in your life and in your family?

Is it a unique or inspiring family story that helped to shape you? How are you defined by your religious beliefs? Do you celebrate your ethnicity and culture? What priority do politics play in your family? Is your current financial status defining who you are? Are you mission-minded or service-oriented?

So here is my challenge to you: After making time to define your family values (considering questions like those above), take time to pass them on both in story and in action.