In November I reflect on something that I am grateful for each day. Here are some that I posted on facebook. “A quiet crisp morning, the smell of coffee brewing, yellow, red, and orange leaves falling to the ground and contentment in my heart.” “So blessed to have a job I love.” “Time spent with family is pure joy.”

Being grateful has a calming effect, increases happiness, satisfaction, and a deeper sleep. I found I had more energy and although I got sick was able to recuperate faster. Emotionally I felt more joyful, experienced more contentment, and felt calm amidst the chaos of the holidays.

Sir John Templeton states, ‎”How wonderful it would be if we could help our children and grandchildren to learn thanksgiving at an early age. Thanksgiving opens the doors. It changes a child’s personality. A child is resentful, negative—or thankful. Thankful children want to give, they radiate happiness, they draw people.”

My challenge:

Practice being grateful each day for a month.

Share your gratitude with the family each day.

Have your children state their gratitude.

Evaluate:

Did you see improvement in the overall attitude of your family?

Did you experience deeper sharing as a family?

Were you able to understand what is important in the life of each child?

If you answered yes to these questions, congratulations!  You are developing a stronger bond and improving the overall health of your family.  Now that is something to celebrate.

Young adult: “My mom was so mean to me! She made me do chores!”
Me: “What kind of chores?”
Young adult: “Dusting, mopping, vacuuming, and washing dishes.”
Me: “How old were you?”
Young adult: “I was in High School.”
Me: (stunned silence)

This type of conversation has been increasing over the years, and I think that I need to address the issue of chores.

1. Doing chores is a part of teaching children responsibility, obedience, a sense of accomplishment, inclusiveness in the family, and learning independence skills for adulthood.
2. Before age one, children pick up and drop items, exploring and learning to manipulate them. Why not start teaching age appropriate chores then? For example, during bath time, have your child grab and drop his floating toys one by one into a mesh bag. Celebrate with a “splash time” and then take him out of the bath.
3. By age two children can put toys into baskets, “do dishes,” help with meal preparation (e.g., washing potatoes for boiling), and choose clothes to wear when given two choices. These can be fun chores done together.
4. By age five children can “help sweep” with you, dust with a sock on their hand, wipe a sink after using it, and put dirty clothes in a hamper.
5. Between ages nine and ten, your child can learn how to wash, dry, fold, and put away their laundry, make a meal, keep their room clean, vacuum, mop, clean the entire bathroom and kitchen.

With all things there needs to be balance, so here is a list I want you to think about.

1. Just because a child/teen can do all the chores listed in number five above does NOT mean that they should clean the entire home by themselves. Your children are not your slaves.
2. You are NOT your child’s slave. Divide up the household chores and do the big ones together.
3. If you have a tendency to be perfectionistic, do not require this of your child. Seriously, having your child pull out the stove or refrigerator every week to clean behind and under it, might really be your issue!
4. Mix the chores with fun. If you wash the car together have a friendly water fight. When pulling weeds talk to each other, or lay down in the grass for a break and watch the clouds.
5. Stop arguing over the uncompleted chores. Use natural consequences instead. If your son fails to pick up his toys by an agreed time of day, you might try this: pick up the toys; tell him that when he picks them up he gets to keep them in his room; when you pick them up they go into your room. For older children do the same but add, “How will you pay me for doing your chore?” Give suggestions.
6. Do NOT invent last minute chores before your teen goes out. Could this be your way of avoiding the real issue of you not wanting them to go out?
7. Stay calm. It is a big mistake to allow anger or resentment to show as this will give your child permission to argue with you.

It is never too late to help your child develop the necessary skills that it takes to be a functional adult. The question is when will you start?

I was having breakfast out prior to the big holiday shopping spree.  There was a grandfather having a breakfast conversation with his two grandsons who looked to be about 9 and 12 years old.  My ears perked up when he said, “We need a plan…” He continued, “Well, your grandma is in on the plan and stands ready to wrap anything we bring home. And the best part is that she will keep your gift a secret!” They were talking about a strategy for shopping for the boys’ parent. I began imagining all sorts of fun they were going to have implementing their plan, learning how to give meaningfully to others. These types of conversations help to reinforce the values of gratitude, respect, and appreciation that we want to nurture in our children.

But during the recent holiday season, I noticed again an emphasis on getting rather than giving. Yet learning how to give meaningfully is a very important developmental achievement. When kids are not taught to give, we help to create a narcissistic society of individuals focused on fulfilling their own desires, who have a sense of entitlement. So we must counteract this “me-ism” through effortful practice. Teaching children and teens to do chores, making a contribution to the family system, helps them toward this end. But there needs to be something bigger, outside of the family, that kids can do to learn and to develop those core values of gratitude, respect, and appreciation. Developing an attitude of service by looking for and helping to meet the needs of others is one way to accomplish this.

Holidays and special events provide opportunities for instruction in the giving arts. One gift that anyone can give is that of service, a gift of time and effort invested in another.  Here are some ideas to help your family begin to practice developing a serving-others attitude:

~Pulling weeds for a senior in your neighborhood.

~Preparing and delivering a meal for a family.

~Washing windows for someone who is home bound.

~Serving up meals to the homeless.

~Adopting a family who have fallen on hard times and making sure each child has a new outfit for school.

~Getting a group of families together to clean up a trailer park.

If you take 1 day a month to do something as a family to give to others you will strengthen this attitude of service.  And you will all receive the joy that comes from giving.

I think that the grandparents of those two boys will receive the greatest joy this year because they participated in helping their grandchildren learn the attitude of service.  Oh, did I not mention that the youngest made a list of things that he could personally do for his mom?  One “coupon” is for a neck massage.