Around the holidays there is a certain buzz in the air. Anticipation is building. You can feel the energy when you are out and about. Some of this energy is stress. If you have children there is extra stress attending their programs, trying to stay on schedule and wanting to give them them the “perfect Christmas” while you are juggling work, office parties, friends parties (insert anything else here). While all this activity can be wonderful I wonder about the purpose.

 I think this flurry of activity is an attempt to achieve meaning, create memories and draw closer to those you love. If this is your purpose you have the over arching goal and can then make plans to fit that goal. I am offering some suggestions that might bring your closer to a more meaningful and mindful Christmas.

 1. Build 30 minutes into your daily schedule to “charge up”. Whether you meditate or pamper yourself, daily self care helps to alleviate stress. Encourage every member in your home to do the same. By doing this simple practice you are giving yourself and your family the gift of peace.

 2. In every home there is one person who does not thrive on over-stimulation or becomes energized by crowds of people. These individuals need private time built into each day. Over scheduling is a guarantee that there will be a meltdown for both children and adults. Provide some time for playing, drawing, coloring, listening to music or naps. You will be giving them the gift of understanding.

 3. In the heart of every child and adult there is his one gift that they desire. You can see the longing in their eyes. You can hear the voice inflection become softer when they talk about this item. Rather than focus on many gifts to fill up the space under the tree buy or make the one gift they want. The one gift that will be remembered. Then spend your time making memories and focusing on traditions. By doing this you are giving them the gift of stability and appreciation.

 4. Many people want love. They want others to listen to their heart, not just the words. I like to think of this as “listening for understanding”. The way to accomplish this is to make a date with each person in the family and listen to what they have to say about whatever interests them. When they feel heard you have given them the gift of self worth.

 5. Many people think of Christmas as family time. A time when the family gets together to laugh, enjoy each other’s company, reminisce about the good times, and to know you are part of something bigger than yourself. This gift is the gift of belonging.

 6. Whatever you do, remember the basics. Eat balanced meals, hydrate, exercise, maintain a regular sleep schedule, meditate and get outside for fresh air and sunshine.(if possible). This teaches the family the importance of respecting their bodies. This gift of health is an amazing gift that will last a lifetime.

My gift to you is to wish you a peaceful, purposeful and positive parenting holiday. Give the gifts that last a lifetime.

May you navigate the tricks in life and be rewarded with treats.

Have a safe Halloween.

Grief, mourning and bereavement are fancy words to describe the phases of adjustment that we go through during a loss. A loss for a child/teen can be from a death, health, divorce, change in school, moving, break ups, being bullied, theft of personal property, intrusion or violation.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross described five stages that a person goes through during grief. They are:

1. Shock and denial where the reaction is “Noooo, this can’t be happening.”

2. Anger which is directed to anyone they can blame.

3. Bargaining with God, authority figures or someone whom they perceive to have power.

4. Depression where the grief work seems to be the focus.

5. Acceptance and moving on with life.

It is not a step-by-step process but more of a continuous wave of different phases crashing like waves over you. Some waves are small while others come in sets and pummel you to your knees and tossing you onto land again.

Children grieve as well but it is manifested in behavioral and somatic ways. Grief reactions include:

~ Feelings of helplessness, “I can’t.”

~ Somatic complaints; choking, lump in throat or tightness in chest, stomach aches, shallow breathing, sighing, nausea, feeling tired, or having diarrhea.

~ Lashing out or temper tantrums, whining, hitting, or oppositional behavior.

~ Expressing guilt, insist the loved one will come back, report hearing the loved ones’ voice.

~ Depression or mood changes, restlessness, decrease in concentration, crying, no energy, sleeping disturbances/nightmares and bed wetting.

Teens may have many symptoms listed above but know that death is permanent. They will experience feelings more intensely because their body is undergoing hormonal changes during this time. In addition they may feel guilt, burdened, pressure to step up and be an adult, feel the need to care for the remaining adult, isolate, withdraw socially, act out, begin to drink or do drugs to avoid the pain and get frustrated easily.

Parenting Tips

When talking to your children/teen use the correct terminology. If someone has died use the term death/died. Do not use left, passed, sleeping, with Jesus, lost or took a journey. Using these words may cause fears or unrealistic anger. For instance, if you use the words “they are sleeping” the child will have fears of going to sleep. If you say “they went to live with Jesus” the child gets the idea that Jesus is mean or the person did not like living with them anymore.

Spend extra time with your child/teen. Let them see you cry sometimes so it gives permission for them to express their emotion. Accept their emotions as the feelings come.

Stay on a schedule for sleeping, eating healthy and caring for their body. Increase fluid intake and some dietitians recommend a daily banana to help with potassium loss. Keep life simple by taking time to laugh, walk, play or go somewhere for a shared experience. Hold off on making major life changes for at least a year.

Recognize that there will be setbacks on the anniversary of that death, birthdays, holidays, when friends talk about their family, important events like prom, graduation, and all the “firsts.” Be aware of the words that you use. Saying, “I could have died laughing or from embarrassment” can freak a child out.

Grief work is different for everyone. The working through of grief may last as long as two years with setbacks occurring periodically. Have patience with yourself and with your child. Know that with your help, they are doing the best that they can. And if you feel overwhelmed there are professionals and groups to help you get through this time.

You must understand that technology is not my thing. The first time I saw a computer was when my husband bought a Comador 64. I personally had and still have a typewriter. We upgraded to some other computer of which I can’t remember. This computer was handed down to my then 5^th grader. This computer became all mine in 2007 when I decided that my practice needed to become more up to date. I started my first website using this clunky machine.

Soon after I discovered what web surfing was all about. So I began signing up to put free ads on different sites like Yelp, LinkedIn and Namz. Before long I kept seeing my name and calimesa counseling pop up on this internet. I was amazed to see what I started take on a life of its own (apparently that is called “organic”). Truly we are living in an era where information is at our finger tips and I don’t have to lug out the giant dictionary, thesaurus, history books or map books.

Recently I went to eat at a restaurant where I will just say I won’t go back. I got onto Yelp and wrote my first review chastising the filthiness of the restaurant, the scarcity of food selections and how rude the staff was to me. I felt a sense of power knowing that people would heed my warning and stay away from this place.

Then I decided to write a review about my favorite sushi place. A-a-a-a. The words were difficult in coming into my head. I wrote and re-wrote and ended up with a very lame but high star review. It didn’t feel right somehow. Why was the negative so easy to be passionate about and yet the positive came with a struggle? I am normally a very positive person so this was worrisome to me.

Amidst all of my own confusion and struggling to straighten out my attitude I kept hearing the kids/teens I work with express these wishes. “I wish that my parents would listen to me”, “I wish that someone would love me”, “I wish that my parent’s would approve or even like me”, “I desperately want my parents to notice the good person that I am rather than just yell at me”, “I wish that my teachers would see that I need some help, that I am all alone at school”.

These comments seemed to parallel my thoughts on how easy it is to speak the negative and how difficult it is to speak positively. We may be good at uplifting others but somehow our families are held to a higher standard and are easy targets for our disappointments.

If you somehow resonate with this issue here are some thoughts to keep in mind when communicating with your teen.

~ When your child comes home from school, ask how their day was. Really listen to what they are saying and what they are not saying. Eye contact will help you watch their body language as well.

~ Ask questions for more clarification. Remember the who, what, when, where, why and how questions.

~ If they are upset, reach out your hand and touch their shoulder in a clockwise circle.

~ Do not give them pat answers, ask them what they want. Help them find their own solutions so it empowers them.

~ Let them know you have faith in their ability to find a solution.

~ Tell them that you love them. They may be different from you but love their uniqueness.

Start this month to really make a positive difference in your child’s life. Just as you reach up to take someone’s hand to lean on, reach back and take your teens hand to pull them up creating a human chain of caring.

How many times have you heard the term, “Fight! Fight!” or “Girl fight!” on campus where you attend school?  Weekly, daily, or more frequently?  Then it seems as if everyone rushes to where the fight is happening to watch.  Some kids actively get involved by getting some punches in.  Some egg it on, yelling for their favorite fighter.  Some video record and upload the YouTube, but many stand by and watch.

All of the above actions are an involvement in bullying the victim. Even standing by, just watching, lends passive support to the bully, not the victim.

I would say that most schools do not condone violence on or off campus. I would also say that violence to any degree occurs in both places every day, whether it is through words, texts, videos, or physically pushing people around.

A bully will not stop his behavior by himself. Teachers, administrators, and parents have only a limited effect to stop a bully. Often a victim feels powerless to do anything. This leaves one very important group with the power to stop this behavior: the bystanders, you and me. Whenever we see others picking on someone else, we have a choice to make. Our choice is our level of involvement.

The choice can be viewed on a continuum. To the left and beyond is participation in the bullying. Movement to the right on the line supports the victim and helps to stop the behavior. (Check out the diagram below.)

Notice that at any point you can seek the help of an adult to support your choice.

To the left, just hoping the bullying behavior stops lends support to the victim. Although it is passive, it leans in the right direction. Once you begin to take steps to actively help the victim (for example, by talking to them, keeping them company, walking with them to class, seeking out help for the victim) now you have become an activist in stopping the violence.

Just a note of caution: when there is an ongoing fight do not put yourself in harms way.

So the question to ask yourself is this, “Where will I stand on the line?”

Peace out……………