How many times have you heard the term, “Fight! Fight!” or “Girl fight!” on campus where you attend school?  Weekly, daily, or more frequently?  Then it seems as if everyone rushes to where the fight is happening to watch.  Some kids actively get involved by getting some punches in.  Some egg it on, yelling for their favorite fighter.  Some video record and upload the YouTube, but many stand by and watch.

All of the above actions are an involvement in bullying the victim. Even standing by, just watching, lends passive support to the bully, not the victim.

I would say that most schools do not condone violence on or off campus. I would also say that violence to any degree occurs in both places every day, whether it is through words, texts, videos, or physically pushing people around.

A bully will not stop his behavior by himself. Teachers, administrators, and parents have only a limited effect to stop a bully. Often a victim feels powerless to do anything. This leaves one very important group with the power to stop this behavior: the bystanders, you and me. Whenever we see others picking on someone else, we have a choice to make. Our choice is our level of involvement.

The choice can be viewed on a continuum. To the left and beyond is participation in the bullying. Movement to the right on the line supports the victim and helps to stop the behavior. (Check out the diagram below.)

Notice that at any point you can seek the help of an adult to support your choice.

To the left, just hoping the bullying behavior stops lends support to the victim. Although it is passive, it leans in the right direction. Once you begin to take steps to actively help the victim (for example, by talking to them, keeping them company, walking with them to class, seeking out help for the victim) now you have become an activist in stopping the violence.

Just a note of caution: when there is an ongoing fight do not put yourself in harms way.

So the question to ask yourself is this, “Where will I stand on the line?”

Peace out……………

Many new moms are given this advice, “rest when the baby rests.”  It is important to do this so you have the strength to enjoy your new little one.  The temptation is to get caught up on cleaning while the child is resting which deprives  you of the energy it takes to build that relationship.  If you think about rearing a child into adulthood successfully it is through the relationship that is established from the beginning.

To keep on task think in terms of making memories.  Will you want to remember the developmental milestones of your child/children and fun times you created or will you want to remember how clean your home was?  I am not advocating that you keep a filthy home or neglect other duties but that you learn to prioritize what is important.  We can forget what is important when we juggle home, work, child rearing, school, appointments, grocery shopping, cooking, meetings/club, church and the relationship with your significant other.  After awhile time passes and we don’t know who our children are because we did not take the time to build and maintain the connection.

Here are 5 tips to help in relational building:

~  Take the time to listen to your child.  Give feedback to them to let them know you are hearing them.

~  Laugh together.  If mealtime is challenging keep it light.  Tell some jokes or make up some silly food games.

~  Take some time to play with your child no matter what age.

~  Love your child.  Give them a hug, pat on the shoulder, or gentle touch on the back.  Tell them daily.

~  Work together.  Prepare meals together, work in the garden side by side and talk while you work.  When kids have something to do with their hands you will find they will be able to communicate their thoughts and feelings.

Start today to build on your relationship.  Keep building everyday even when you hear “go away and leave me alone”.  During those moments remind them you are here and you love them.  May you have fun building the relationship you want with your child.

I am connected to a fun group of counselors from across the US and Canada.  I was recently  discussing things that are now obsolete in this decade.  Items such as the yellow pages, encyclopedia, landlines, wires, film cameras, the time lady, 35 mm film, and floppy drives have been replaced by newer and better versions or technology.  There was some grief over the time lady, but I believe this was pure nostalgia.

It got me thinking of things that are timeless and I hope last forever.  Here are some of my favorite concepts that came from our dialogue.  Love, feelings, exercise, chocolate, random acts of kindness, friends, connectedness, faith or belief in someone/something, hope, toilets and toilet paper were listed to remind us that humor is important.

My hope for you in this new decade is to focus on some of these timeless behaviors if they are missing in your life.  Incorporate love, get in touch with the feelings you have kept hidden, exercise, do and teach your children random acts of kindness.  Teach your family about friendship and connectedness.  Have faith in each other and hope that there is a better future for your family.  Lastly, laugh at yourself and with each other.

May this new decade be meaningful and full of growth for you and your family.

In California we are faced with fires that rip through the mountains and neighborhoods devouring anything in its path.  We have grown accustomed to watching the helicopter scoop/suck up water from nearby parks and lakes as they rush to drop it on the thirsty fires.  All this drama unfolds before us on TV or as an eyewitness.

As I write this the helicopters are still going back and forth.  I have no clue where the destination is as this year we have no TV and the radio stations are not broadcasting much information.  I have a phone number to call on the latest activities.

I do recognize that the TV does keep us informed and it is vital to have this information as a parent.  However, the broadcasts show the fires repeatedly with the field reporters giving us the facts in a delivery that is anxiety producing.  After a day of your child viewing this it can prevent them from sleeping at night and you may have more separation anxiety when school resumes.

Here are some suggestions on how to deal with the stress of fires or any disasters.

1.  Have a plan and calmly follow the plan.  Know what to take and what to leave behind.

2.  Favorite blankies and favorite toys are just as important to your children as passports are to you, so don’t forget them.

3.  Put the evacuation items in the car.

4.  Use the phone to get up to the minute information to stay informed. The reverse phone calls actually work so don’t be afraid you will be deserted.

5.  Spend time with your children watching videos or playing non-strenuous indoor games.

6.  If one parent goes into work have them call a couple of times just to chat.

7.  If the kids really want to see the news, let them see small doses maybe 10 minutes every few hours.  Or if the planes and helicopters are flying overhead have them count the different kinds of planes/helicopters.

8.  If you have restless teenagers and it is safe let them get together with friends for a couple of hours.

9.  Some teens feel compelled to help.  Help them gather cold drinks and donuts and take them to the firefighters parked up the street, or to the police who are in charge of working the barricades.

The more we practice modeling a calm environment our children will experience less anxiety.

It is the time of year when many of us are making resolutions.  Some want to break habits such as smoking, overeating, or drinking.  Some want to develop habits as reading more, exercising more or parenting better.  If we fail to break these goals down into measurable steps, chances are we may fail.  A while back a colleague’s husband wrote down a parenting pledge that is specific and meets children’s needs.

The Parents’ Pledge

“As a parent my greatest wish is that my children will have a life filled with happiness and the joy of loving; therefore, I will always try to understand and fulfill their needs.

I.     Through touching, I will show my children that they are loved so that they can give throughout their lives.

II.    My children need not earn my love for I will give it freely without reservation or limit.

III.   To help my children become self-confident, I will teach them with encouragement, not criticism, and I will always try to emphasize their good qualities.

IV.   To build confidence and help my children mature, I will encourage them to do for themselves things they can do.

V.    To prevent my children from being fearful, I will try not to worry or protect them more than is necessary.

VI.    I will try to remember that my children are not my property but separate people whom I may guide but must gradually set free.

VII.   I will teach my children that they must not be overly concerned with others’ opinions of them so they will learn to think for themselves.

VIII.  In order that my children will learn to value their own opinions and ideas, I will listen to them with interest and respect.

IX.    To teach my children respect for authority and to develop their self-discipline, I will insist in a kind but firm manner that my instructions be obeyed.

X.     Realizing that my children will imitate me, I will always try to be a good model for them.

XI.    To teach my children tolerance, I will try not to judge, condemn, or find fault with others.

XII.   I will not give my children more than they should have, lest they become wasteful and demanding.

XIII.  I will teach my children to share and consider the needs and feelings of others so that they will become kind and generous people.

XIV.  I will teach my children that gentleness is not weakness and that they should share their feelings with those they love.

XV.   I will show my children that I love sons and daughters equally, and I will not condemn sexual love so that they may enjoy it when they are mature.

XVI.  I will teach my children that they will find happiness through giving love, not through seeking it.

I now that I cannot be a perfect parent, but in order to protect my children from emotional problems and help secure a happy life for them, I will always try to meet these needs.

Finally, I wish for my children to know that they are a joy to me, a gift of the universe.”

The late Dr. Robert Alan Webb

I challenge you to consider making resolutions this year that are specific about your parenting attitudes and actions.