May you navigate the tricks in life and be rewarded with treats.

Have a safe Halloween.

Young adult: “My mom was so mean to me! She made me do chores!”
Me: “What kind of chores?”
Young adult: “Dusting, mopping, vacuuming, and washing dishes.”
Me: “How old were you?”
Young adult: “I was in High School.”
Me: (stunned silence)

This type of conversation has been increasing over the years, and I think that I need to address the issue of chores.

1. Doing chores is a part of teaching children responsibility, obedience, a sense of accomplishment, inclusiveness in the family, and learning independence skills for adulthood.
2. Before age one, children pick up and drop items, exploring and learning to manipulate them. Why not start teaching age appropriate chores then? For example, during bath time, have your child grab and drop his floating toys one by one into a mesh bag. Celebrate with a “splash time” and then take him out of the bath.
3. By age two children can put toys into baskets, “do dishes,” help with meal preparation (e.g., washing potatoes for boiling), and choose clothes to wear when given two choices. These can be fun chores done together.
4. By age five children can “help sweep” with you, dust with a sock on their hand, wipe a sink after using it, and put dirty clothes in a hamper.
5. Between ages nine and ten, your child can learn how to wash, dry, fold, and put away their laundry, make a meal, keep their room clean, vacuum, mop, clean the entire bathroom and kitchen.

With all things there needs to be balance, so here is a list I want you to think about.

1. Just because a child/teen can do all the chores listed in number five above does NOT mean that they should clean the entire home by themselves. Your children are not your slaves.
2. You are NOT your child’s slave. Divide up the household chores and do the big ones together.
3. If you have a tendency to be perfectionistic, do not require this of your child. Seriously, having your child pull out the stove or refrigerator every week to clean behind and under it, might really be your issue!
4. Mix the chores with fun. If you wash the car together have a friendly water fight. When pulling weeds talk to each other, or lay down in the grass for a break and watch the clouds.
5. Stop arguing over the uncompleted chores. Use natural consequences instead. If your son fails to pick up his toys by an agreed time of day, you might try this: pick up the toys; tell him that when he picks them up he gets to keep them in his room; when you pick them up they go into your room. For older children do the same but add, “How will you pay me for doing your chore?” Give suggestions.
6. Do NOT invent last minute chores before your teen goes out. Could this be your way of avoiding the real issue of you not wanting them to go out?
7. Stay calm. It is a big mistake to allow anger or resentment to show as this will give your child permission to argue with you.

It is never too late to help your child develop the necessary skills that it takes to be a functional adult. The question is when will you start?

Take a moment to picture your ideal child. Is the child polite, thoughtful and kind? What about obedient, open to your directions and honest? Does the child get good grades? Is he or she helpful and socialized?

Most—if not all—parents have a picture in their mind of what their child will look like, as well as how they will behave growing up. Many times, we think back on our own history and try to predict who our children will be. For instance, I was naive to think that because I was compliant and self-motivated that my children would follow my footsteps. That fairytale thinking died quickly when my son came. With him, I was a regular caller to poison control and a frequent flyer at the emergency rooms for stitches. I was on a first-name basis at “Toys’R'Us” where I had to buy car seat after car seat trying to find one that my Houdini-child could not escape from. And I became a handy-woman attempting to double child-proof anything that could be opened or crawled on. As you can see, my ideal-child-dream was shattered.

In thinking back, I laugh at his antics and curiosity. I smile when I hear his child-voice in my head asking questions and making declarative sentences like, “Me and Lissa will go play in mud and be Indians!” My firstborn has ADHD, is gifted, hyperactive (did I mention that already?), funny, hard-working and follows his own dreams, not mine. It didn’t take me long to realize my children are not my dream children: they are unique individuals with different personalities, challenges and gifts, and I love them all the more for it.

One way to free yourself of your anger, disappointment and fear about your child or teen is to quickly acknowledge when you are living in your dream world. It may sound harsh but the sooner you realize the person before you is your real child, the sooner you can parent more effectively.

Six steps to parent your real child; not the dream child.

1.  Write out your vision of your dream child. Think about it, smile about your dream and turn the page and write about who your child really is.

2.  Observe the strengths of your child. Does your he make friends easily? Is she good in Math, Science, or History? Is your child good in sports? Iss he or she affectionate?

3.  Write out the growing edges that your child has. Is your child bossy? Is your child impulsive? Is your child sensitive or does he or she have a learning problem?

4.  Take your list of “growing edges” and re-label them. “Bossy” can be re-framed as a “leader”. “Impulsive” can be re-labeled as “spontaneous” or “flexible”. The “sensitive” child can be “intuitive”. If you bump up against a part of your child’s growing edges that may cause harm or is socially unacceptable, put a star beside it or underline it.

5.  The habits you starred or underlined are the habits you can help him or her develop into successful traits. Work on only one habit at a time and do not become emotionally charged about them. Parent from your head.

6.  Love them unconditionally no matter what. This does not mean that you can excuse them when they misbehave. But if they know that their parents love and support them, they will have the confidence to go out into the world as stronger individuals in the future.

Parenting a pre-teen or teen is an incredible roller coaster ride. You may feel so excited that you are communicating with your teen. The two of you are in sync. Life is smooth. Just when you are feeling at the top of your parenting game your stomach turns to knots as the roller coaster plunges you into feelings of inadequacy with the turmoil of emotional fights.

Does this feel familiar?

Here are some facts that I want you to remember.

~ Parenting is not for cowards.

~ You are the parent and authority figure in the home.

~ You are NOT your teen’s best friend.

~ You create the rules in the home and they are about safety. Any other rule is your issue that you have to deal with inside yourself.

~ You are the role model. Kids will learn social skills, work ethics, problem-solving skills and moral development by watching you.

~ Focus only on behaviors not the attitude when there is a problem. Remember the behavior change is what you want.

~ Everyone, including you, get “do-overs” everyday.

Now think about the roller coaster for a minute. It takes off fast to gain traction. It usually climbs slowly to the top and then takes off on all the twists and turns seemingly to defy gravity. Just when you can’t seem to take any more it suddenly stops. This describes a parent’s emotions when you allow your feelings or your child’s emotions to cloud the real issues. This is an adrenaline rush that can leave you exhausted physically and emotionally.

The secret is to focus on only what you can see and hear. These are the actions or behaviors that you address. For example, you see your teen cleaning the kitchen and you hear them grumbling simultaneously. Take a moment when the task is completed to say, “I really like to see you doing your chores, good job!” Did you notice that you don’t focus on the grumbling? That is right, if they are doing the action they are doing their job. The grumbling is a way of saving face or a way to bait you into a fight to relive their internal pressure. Let it go and move on.

My challenge to you is to focus only on the behaviors you see or you hear.

I am drawn to the connections that occur whether it is abstract thoughts or with living beings.  For instance, we have an indoor cat that has become an outdoor cat.  Because he was raised with affection he had now made “friends” with the skunks and a possum that come nightly to eat his food.  It makes me laugh but he is really intent on sharing and doesn’t seem to mind.

I also find it interesting that many parents who are wondering and struggling with redefining themselves have kids who are just beginning to ask the question of who am I?  What is fascinating is that they are on a parallel journey of discovery.  But before you get all excited and want to bond with your child of this discovery there are some things you need to know.

~Your journey of self discovery began at birth as did theirs.  You however, have more years of knowledge and wisdom within you to pull on, while your child does not.

~Your child’s brain is actually growing in size, yours is not.  This adds to the adolescent confusion and lack of motivation as well as that annoying forgetful memory syndrome.

~Your child is becoming associated with abstract ideas/thoughts and you have been there for awhile.

~Your child needs peer support to validate the multiple roles or traits he/she wants to incorporate into his life.  You have come to the point where you don’t care what others think.  You have the attitude of a million people could say this won’t work, yet I am the majority.

However, there are similar issues.

~You are both hormonal which means that emotional upsets will and do happen.

~You are both asking the same questions of Who am I? Who do I want to be? How will this play out in life?

~You both want what is best for yourself.

~You both will experiment with different ideas and habits.

To avoid collision during this phase of life I have a few suggestions.

1.  Don’t try to be BFF’s (Best Friends Forever) with your child, you are the parent.

2.  Don’t make your journey more important.  In fact you are not there to share your issues with them.  This will alienate them from you causing great pain and making your journey more difficult.

3.  Rejoice when they discover a great thing about themselves, then nurture it.

4.  Nurture yourself and rejoice when you discover a great new you.

Remember that life is to be enjoyed.  Find humor in the fact that you are on parallel journeys and there will be days that are similar.  Set aside time for you to work on you.  This is exhausting to observe yourself changing while trying to parent your child going through this similar experience.