How many times have you heard the term, “Fight! Fight!” or “Girl fight!” on campus where you attend school?  Weekly, daily, or more frequently?  Then it seems as if everyone rushes to where the fight is happening to watch.  Some kids actively get involved by getting some punches in.  Some egg it on, yelling for their favorite fighter.  Some video record and upload the YouTube, but many stand by and watch.

All of the above actions are an involvement in bullying the victim. Even standing by, just watching, lends passive support to the bully, not the victim.

I would say that most schools do not condone violence on or off campus. I would also say that violence to any degree occurs in both places every day, whether it is through words, texts, videos, or physically pushing people around.

A bully will not stop his behavior by himself. Teachers, administrators, and parents have only a limited effect to stop a bully. Often a victim feels powerless to do anything. This leaves one very important group with the power to stop this behavior: the bystanders, you and me. Whenever we see others picking on someone else, we have a choice to make. Our choice is our level of involvement.

The choice can be viewed on a continuum. To the left and beyond is participation in the bullying. Movement to the right on the line supports the victim and helps to stop the behavior. (Check out the diagram below.)

Notice that at any point you can seek the help of an adult to support your choice.

To the left, just hoping the bullying behavior stops lends support to the victim. Although it is passive, it leans in the right direction. Once you begin to take steps to actively help the victim (for example, by talking to them, keeping them company, walking with them to class, seeking out help for the victim) now you have become an activist in stopping the violence.

Just a note of caution: when there is an ongoing fight do not put yourself in harms way.

So the question to ask yourself is this, “Where will I stand on the line?”

Peace out……………

You watch your normally bubbly child sluggishly get into the car after school.  Your parent radar kicks in and you know something is wrong.  Is she sick?  Does she have a lot of homework?  You ask her probing questions and finally through tears she tells you she has been pushed around all day, yelled at and called names from the other kids in school.

Your first reaction is outrage to “those kids”, to the parents and to the school.  While anger is a perfectly normal emotion for this situation, it is important to stay calm for your child’s sake.  If a child has been on the receiving end of anger at school she does not need to have anger directed at her at home.  You might say to your child, “Those kids are making poor behavior choices,” rather than, “Those are bad kids.”  Remind her about ways other kids may or may not be allowed into her personal space.  For example, high fives and a friendly pat on the back are fine, but hitting, kicking spitting, pushing, saying hurtful words out loud or by text, gossip, and uncomfortable touching are not allowed.

Here are some practical things you can do to protect your child.

1.  Call the teacher and set up a conference time the next day to develop an intervention and protection plan for your child to stop the abuse.

2.  If the mean behavior continues, call the school principal, vice principal, or an advocate to ask for help protecting your child.

3.  If the abuse continues or is not satisfactorily resolved, contact the education department, school board, or other governing body, to lodge a formal complaint.

4.  If the abuse still continues, or gets worse, notify the police and/or child protective services, and possibly the Office of Civil Rights.  It is against the law in this country to abuse a child, and it is likely a violation of their civil rights.

5.  It is NOT recommended that you talk directly to the parents, nor encourage your child to fight back.

6.  Document what your child says about the alleged abuse.  Also document the following:  a) the steps you have taken; b) the responses of the people who have promised to help to stop the abuse; c) the intervention/action plan; d) any continued abuse.

To learn more check out these articles:

Ten Actions to Eliminate Bullying

Government warns schools that bullying can violate civil rights laws

Be action-oriented in protecting your child.

It’s her first day of second grade.  She is excited.  She is wearing her first store bought dress.  She is going to an all-white school rather than the Indian school, and she has a lunch pail.  Little does she know how important this day would be for her.

Dropped off at her new classroom with 31 other children, the teacher introduces her to the class as “the new girl from an Indian school.”  Absolute silence.  During the day only two kids talk to her,  Bobby, who would become her champion, and sweet gentle Valerie.

The rest of the week was pretty much the same, more isolation.  By the next week her classmates had this mantra, “Go back to the Indians!  You’re not wanted here!”  One of the boys called her a name that she had never heard before.  He said, “You’re a retard!”  Her big comeback was, “No, you’re a retard!”  Promptly raising his hand, he told the teacher on her.  Mrs. Cornwell was not interested in knowing why or how this happened.  She immediately grabbed her by the ear, led her to the girls bathroom and washed her mouth out with soap.

In third grade the situation became physical when the girls got her in a circle on the playground and began shoving her around, calling her names, and hitting her.  Her younger brother ran to her rescue, threatening to beat up the next girl to push her.

In Elementary and Junior High she was told by her parents that the kids were just jealous.  Of what?  Her hand-me-down clothes?  Her poverty?  She was also told that if you develop only one friend in your lifetime consider yourself blessed.  How is one supposed to develop friendships when your reputation is being torn apart, and when some of the teachers participate in the torture?

Each day was a nightmare filled with the dread of going into the classroom to “learn.”  Oh, she learned.  She learned that if you were popular, if you sided with the popular kids, if you were athletic, or if you were wealthy you would be so powerful that you could do anything you wanted to anybody and adults would look the other way.  She learned that some teachers seemed to take vicarious pleasure in watching students torment other kids.

There’s more to be learned.

If you are the victim of school violence, harassment or abuse, you can do something about it.

1.  Do not be shamed into silence.  Tell your parents or a trusted adult.

2.  Say, “Stop!” and then walk away.

3.  Find someone that will have your back.  Walk to class together, eat lunch and hang out during the dreaded PE class.

4.  Keep a record of who and what is said.  Keep harassing emails, texts or photos as proof.

5.  Tell your parent/guardian so they can talk with the school.

6.  Make a life outside of school by finding a hobby, studying and focusing on your future.

7.  Keep talking with someone (adult) about how you feel.

8.  Realize that you are worthy and special.  Those other kids don’t see it, and they just choose to be mean.

So how did things turn out for the little girl from the Indian school?

She chose to focus on who she wanted to become and channeled all that fear and sadness into laying a foundation for her future.  She studied hard and got great grades.  She was elected class president twice in high school (she was organized).  She edited the school’s newspaper and yearbook.  These experiences helped her to earn scholarships for college.

She also learned that she could only control her thoughts, attitude and behaviors.  She could not control others’ behaviors, attitudes, or thoughts.

I know this story too well.  Sometimes it’s hard to talk about.  By the way,  I am still friends with Bobby.