1.  Do not use me to get back at each other.

2.  I am not your message machine you need to talk to each other.  And I don’t understand your adult problems.

3.  Do not abandon me.

4.   Let me talk with my other parent.  By withholding I will eventually resent you.

5.  Do not scream or fight as you did when you were married.   You are divorced now, shouldn’t the fighting be over?

6.  Please include me in your new family.  Don’t replace me.  Talk to me about my life that may be separate from your life.

7.  Please love me even if I remind you of your ex.  I have both of your genes.

8.  Be involved in my school activities, sports and competitions.  Even if your ex is there, remember I am the one who needs you there.

9.  It is nice to receive gifts but it would be awesome if I knew it was not because you feel guilty or want me to side with you.

10.  Respect your ex for my sake.  It is embarrassing when you involve my teacher, coach, doctor, dentist and family with your negativity about my mom/dad.  Do you want me to grow up bitter like you are behaving?

What your children want is consistent, trusting, respectful, loving parents who stay connected and involved with them.  They still want to be your children.

Grief is a normal reaction and encompasses the “stages of grief” by Kubler-Ross.

Many times your children may come home in a “bad mood” and we just assume it is just that…a bad day.  Having a bad day can be simple grief but you won’t know unless you ask, “what has happened to make you sad?”  They may tell you about being embarrassed in front of the class.  To this you can apply the phases, “wow, you must have been really surprised by that.”  Let them talk then say something like, “did you feel angry?”  Again, let them emote.  You can then say something like, “I would feel depressed and sad if I was made fun of as well.”  They will agree and usually come up with things they wish they had to avoid the embarrassment.  You can say, “I am glad that you know your options for next time” and then suggest some more hopefully healthier ones.  Finally, offer a hug.

You have just taught your child how to go through the grief process and how to communicate their feelings to you.

As for me I will just keep learning about the complications of the computer, Internet and saving documents.

 I think this flurry of activity is an attempt to achieve meaning, create memories and draw closer to those you love. If this is your purpose you have the over arching goal and can then make plans to fit that goal. I am offering some suggestions that might bring your closer to a more meaningful and mindful Christmas.

 1. Build 30 minutes into your daily schedule to “charge up”. Whether you meditate or pamper yourself, daily self care helps to alleviate stress. Encourage every member in your home to do the same. By doing this simple practice you are giving yourself and your family the gift of peace.

 2. In every home there is one person who does not thrive on over-stimulation or becomes energized by crowds of people. These individuals need private time built into each day. Over scheduling is a guarantee that there will be a meltdown for both children and adults. Provide some time for playing, drawing, coloring, listening to music or naps. You will be giving them the gift of understanding.

 3. In the heart of every child and adult there is his one gift that they desire. You can see the longing in their eyes. You can hear the voice inflection become softer when they talk about this item. Rather than focus on many gifts to fill up the space under the tree buy or make the one gift they want. The one gift that will be remembered. Then spend your time making memories and focusing on traditions. By doing this you are giving them the gift of stability and appreciation.

 4. Many people want love. They want others to listen to their heart, not just the words. I like to think of this as “listening for understanding”. The way to accomplish this is to make a date with each person in the family and listen to what they have to say about whatever interests them. When they feel heard you have given them the gift of self worth.

 5. Many people think of Christmas as family time. A time when the family gets together to laugh, enjoy each other’s company, reminisce about the good times, and to know you are part of something bigger than yourself. This gift is the gift of belonging.

 6. Whatever you do, remember the basics. Eat balanced meals, hydrate, exercise, maintain a regular sleep schedule, meditate and get outside for fresh air and sunshine.(if possible). This teaches the family the importance of respecting their bodies. This gift of health is an amazing gift that will last a lifetime.

My gift to you is to wish you a peaceful, purposeful and positive parenting holiday. Give the gifts that last a lifetime.

Being grateful has a calming effect, increases happiness, satisfaction, and a deeper sleep. I found I had more energy and although I got sick was able to recuperate faster. Emotionally I felt more joyful, experienced more contentment, and felt calm amidst the chaos of the holidays.

Sir John Templeton states, ‎”How wonderful it would be if we could help our children and grandchildren to learn thanksgiving at an early age. Thanksgiving opens the doors. It changes a child’s personality. A child is resentful, negative—or thankful. Thankful children want to give, they radiate happiness, they draw people.”

My challenge:

Practice being grateful each day for a month.

Share your gratitude with the family each day.

Have your children state their gratitude.

Evaluate:

Did you see improvement in the overall attitude of your family?

Did you experience deeper sharing as a family?

Were you able to understand what is important in the life of each child?

If you answered yes to these questions, congratulations!  You are developing a stronger bond and improving the overall health of your family.  Now that is something to celebrate.

Have a safe Halloween.

This type of conversation has been increasing over the years, and I think that I need to address the issue of chores.

1. Doing chores is a part of teaching children responsibility, obedience, a sense of accomplishment, inclusiveness in the family, and learning independence skills for adulthood.
2. Before age one, children pick up and drop items, exploring and learning to manipulate them. Why not start teaching age appropriate chores then? For example, during bath time, have your child grab and drop his floating toys one by one into a mesh bag. Celebrate with a “splash time” and then take him out of the bath.
3. By age two children can put toys into baskets, “do dishes,” help with meal preparation (e.g., washing potatoes for boiling), and choose clothes to wear when given two choices. These can be fun chores done together.
4. By age five children can “help sweep” with you, dust with a sock on their hand, wipe a sink after using it, and put dirty clothes in a hamper.
5. Between ages nine and ten, your child can learn how to wash, dry, fold, and put away their laundry, make a meal, keep their room clean, vacuum, mop, clean the entire bathroom and kitchen.

With all things there needs to be balance, so here is a list I want you to think about.

1. Just because a child/teen can do all the chores listed in number five above does NOT mean that they should clean the entire home by themselves. Your children are not your slaves.
2. You are NOT your child’s slave. Divide up the household chores and do the big ones together.
3. If you have a tendency to be perfectionistic, do not require this of your child. Seriously, having your child pull out the stove or refrigerator every week to clean behind and under it, might really be your issue!
4. Mix the chores with fun. If you wash the car together have a friendly water fight. When pulling weeds talk to each other, or lay down in the grass for a break and watch the clouds.
5. Stop arguing over the uncompleted chores. Use natural consequences instead. If your son fails to pick up his toys by an agreed time of day, you might try this: pick up the toys; tell him that when he picks them up he gets to keep them in his room; when you pick them up they go into your room. For older children do the same but add, “How will you pay me for doing your chore?” Give suggestions.
6. Do NOT invent last minute chores before your teen goes out. Could this be your way of avoiding the real issue of you not wanting them to go out?
7. Stay calm. It is a big mistake to allow anger or resentment to show as this will give your child permission to argue with you.

It is never too late to help your child develop the necessary skills that it takes to be a functional adult. The question is when will you start?

Most—if not all—parents have a picture in their mind of what their child will look like, as well as how they will behave growing up. Many times, we think back on our own history and try to predict who our children will be. For instance, I was naive to think that because I was compliant and self-motivated that my children would follow my footsteps. That fairytale thinking died quickly when my son came. With him, I was a regular caller to poison control and a frequent flyer at the emergency rooms for stitches. I was on a first-name basis at “Toys’R'Us” where I had to buy car seat after car seat trying to find one that my Houdini-child could not escape from. And I became a handy-woman attempting to double child-proof anything that could be opened or crawled on. As you can see, my ideal-child-dream was shattered.

In thinking back, I laugh at his antics and curiosity. I smile when I hear his child-voice in my head asking questions and making declarative sentences like, “Me and Lissa will go play in mud and be Indians!” My firstborn has ADHD, is gifted, hyperactive (did I mention that already?), funny, hard-working and follows his own dreams, not mine. It didn’t take me long to realize my children are not my dream children: they are unique individuals with different personalities, challenges and gifts, and I love them all the more for it.

One way to free yourself of your anger, disappointment and fear about your child or teen is to quickly acknowledge when you are living in your dream world. It may sound harsh but the sooner you realize the person before you is your real child, the sooner you can parent more effectively.

Six steps to parent your real child; not the dream child.

1.  Write out your vision of your dream child. Think about it, smile about your dream and turn the page and write about who your child really is.

2.  Observe the strengths of your child. Does your he make friends easily? Is she good in Math, Science, or History? Is your child good in sports? Iss he or she affectionate?

3.  Write out the growing edges that your child has. Is your child bossy? Is your child impulsive? Is your child sensitive or does he or she have a learning problem?

4.  Take your list of “growing edges” and re-label them. “Bossy” can be re-framed as a “leader”. “Impulsive” can be re-labeled as “spontaneous” or “flexible”. The “sensitive” child can be “intuitive”. If you bump up against a part of your child’s growing edges that may cause harm or is socially unacceptable, put a star beside it or underline it.

5.  The habits you starred or underlined are the habits you can help him or her develop into successful traits. Work on only one habit at a time and do not become emotionally charged about them. Parent from your head.

6.  Love them unconditionally no matter what. This does not mean that you can excuse them when they misbehave. But if they know that their parents love and support them, they will have the confidence to go out into the world as stronger individuals in the future.

Does this feel familiar?

Here are some facts that I want you to remember.

~ Parenting is not for cowards.

~ You are the parent and authority figure in the home.

~ You are NOT your teen’s best friend.

~ You create the rules in the home and they are about safety. Any other rule is your issue that you have to deal with inside yourself.

~ You are the role model. Kids will learn social skills, work ethics, problem-solving skills and moral development by watching you.

~ Focus only on behaviors not the attitude when there is a problem. Remember the behavior change is what you want.

~ Everyone, including you, get “do-overs” everyday.

Now think about the roller coaster for a minute. It takes off fast to gain traction. It usually climbs slowly to the top and then takes off on all the twists and turns seemingly to defy gravity. Just when you can’t seem to take any more it suddenly stops. This describes a parent’s emotions when you allow your feelings or your child’s emotions to cloud the real issues. This is an adrenaline rush that can leave you exhausted physically and emotionally.

The secret is to focus on only what you can see and hear. These are the actions or behaviors that you address. For example, you see your teen cleaning the kitchen and you hear them grumbling simultaneously. Take a moment when the task is completed to say, “I really like to see you doing your chores, good job!” Did you notice that you don’t focus on the grumbling? That is right, if they are doing the action they are doing their job. The grumbling is a way of saving face or a way to bait you into a fight to relive their internal pressure. Let it go and move on.

My challenge to you is to focus only on the behaviors you see or you hear.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross described five stages that a person goes through during grief. They are:

1. Shock and denial where the reaction is “Noooo, this can’t be happening.”

2. Anger which is directed to anyone they can blame.

3. Bargaining with God, authority figures or someone whom they perceive to have power.

4. Depression where the grief work seems to be the focus.

5. Acceptance and moving on with life.

It is not a step-by-step process but more of a continuous wave of different phases crashing like waves over you. Some waves are small while others come in sets and pummel you to your knees and tossing you onto land again.

Children grieve as well but it is manifested in behavioral and somatic ways. Grief reactions include:

~ Feelings of helplessness, “I can’t.”

~ Somatic complaints; choking, lump in throat or tightness in chest, stomach aches, shallow breathing, sighing, nausea, feeling tired, or having diarrhea.

~ Lashing out or temper tantrums, whining, hitting, or oppositional behavior.

~ Expressing guilt, insist the loved one will come back, report hearing the loved ones’ voice.

~ Depression or mood changes, restlessness, decrease in concentration, crying, no energy, sleeping disturbances/nightmares and bed wetting.

Teens may have many symptoms listed above but know that death is permanent. They will experience feelings more intensely because their body is undergoing hormonal changes during this time. In addition they may feel guilt, burdened, pressure to step up and be an adult, feel the need to care for the remaining adult, isolate, withdraw socially, act out, begin to drink or do drugs to avoid the pain and get frustrated easily.

Parenting Tips

When talking to your children/teen use the correct terminology. If someone has died use the term death/died. Do not use left, passed, sleeping, with Jesus, lost or took a journey. Using these words may cause fears or unrealistic anger. For instance, if you use the words “they are sleeping” the child will have fears of going to sleep. If you say “they went to live with Jesus” the child gets the idea that Jesus is mean or the person did not like living with them anymore.

Spend extra time with your child/teen. Let them see you cry sometimes so it gives permission for them to express their emotion. Accept their emotions as the feelings come.

Stay on a schedule for sleeping, eating healthy and caring for their body. Increase fluid intake and some dietitians recommend a daily banana to help with potassium loss. Keep life simple by taking time to laugh, walk, play or go somewhere for a shared experience. Hold off on making major life changes for at least a year.

Recognize that there will be setbacks on the anniversary of that death, birthdays, holidays, when friends talk about their family, important events like prom, graduation, and all the “firsts.” Be aware of the words that you use. Saying, “I could have died laughing or from embarrassment” can freak a child out.

Grief work is different for everyone. The working through of grief may last as long as two years with setbacks occurring periodically. Have patience with yourself and with your child. Know that with your help, they are doing the best that they can. And if you feel overwhelmed there are professionals and groups to help you get through this time.

Soon after I discovered what web surfing was all about. So I began signing up to put free ads on different sites like Yelp, LinkedIn and Namz. Before long I kept seeing my name and calimesa counseling pop up on this internet. I was amazed to see what I started take on a life of its own (apparently that is called “organic”). Truly we are living in an era where information is at our finger tips and I don’t have to lug out the giant dictionary, thesaurus, history books or map books.

Recently I went to eat at a restaurant where I will just say I won’t go back. I got onto Yelp and wrote my first review chastising the filthiness of the restaurant, the scarcity of food selections and how rude the staff was to me. I felt a sense of power knowing that people would heed my warning and stay away from this place.

Then I decided to write a review about my favorite sushi place. A-a-a-a. The words were difficult in coming into my head. I wrote and re-wrote and ended up with a very lame but high star review. It didn’t feel right somehow. Why was the negative so easy to be passionate about and yet the positive came with a struggle? I am normally a very positive person so this was worrisome to me.

Amidst all of my own confusion and struggling to straighten out my attitude I kept hearing the kids/teens I work with express these wishes. “I wish that my parents would listen to me”, “I wish that someone would love me”, “I wish that my parent’s would approve or even like me”, “I desperately want my parents to notice the good person that I am rather than just yell at me”, “I wish that my teachers would see that I need some help, that I am all alone at school”.

These comments seemed to parallel my thoughts on how easy it is to speak the negative and how difficult it is to speak positively. We may be good at uplifting others but somehow our families are held to a higher standard and are easy targets for our disappointments.

If you somehow resonate with this issue here are some thoughts to keep in mind when communicating with your teen.

~ When your child comes home from school, ask how their day was. Really listen to what they are saying and what they are not saying. Eye contact will help you watch their body language as well.

~ Ask questions for more clarification. Remember the who, what, when, where, why and how questions.

~ If they are upset, reach out your hand and touch their shoulder in a clockwise circle.

~ Do not give them pat answers, ask them what they want. Help them find their own solutions so it empowers them.

~ Let them know you have faith in their ability to find a solution.

~ Tell them that you love them. They may be different from you but love their uniqueness.

Start this month to really make a positive difference in your child’s life. Just as you reach up to take someone’s hand to lean on, reach back and take your teens hand to pull them up creating a human chain of caring.