Over the years I have seen many children and teens of divorced parents.  I have observed that many times the divorce does not stop the parental fights.  In the chaos of the divorce many parents forget that the primary concern is now their children.  So I have decided to share what many kids want you to know.

1.  Do not use me to get back at each other.

2.  I am not your message machine you need to talk to each other.  And I don’t understand your adult problems.

3.  Do not abandon me.

4.   Let me talk with my other parent.  By withholding I will eventually resent you.

5.  Do not scream or fight as you did when you were married.   You are divorced now, shouldn’t the fighting be over?

6.  Please include me in your new family.  Don’t replace me.  Talk to me about my life that may be separate from your life.

7.  Please love me even if I remind you of your ex.  I have both of your genes.

8.  Be involved in my school activities, sports and competitions.  Even if your ex is there, remember I am the one who needs you there.

9.  It is nice to receive gifts but it would be awesome if I knew it was not because you feel guilty or want me to side with you.

10.  Respect your ex for my sake.  It is embarrassing when you involve my teacher, coach, doctor, dentist and family with your negativity about my mom/dad.  Do you want me to grow up bitter like you are behaving?

What your children want is consistent, trusting, respectful, loving parents who stay connected and involved with them.  They still want to be your children.

It happened again!  Somehow my blog for January just disappeared.  Poof it is out there somewhere floating on the super highway called the Internet.  Did I do what my 24 year old said to do and back it up?  Nope, I did not.  Did I write it in a document first and then transfer it over here?  Ummm, NO!  Why am I discussing this on my blog?  It is quite simple really I am having a grief reaction.  That’s right, I am grieving the loss of something.  We all do this several times a day with the loss of our keys, missing an appointment, being put down or maybe the loss of a pet, a dream, or bigger still the death of someone we loved.

Grief is a normal reaction and encompasses the “stages of grief” by Kubler-Ross.

Many times your children may come home in a “bad mood” and we just assume it is just that…a bad day.  Having a bad day can be simple grief but you won’t know unless you ask, “what has happened to make you sad?”  They may tell you about being embarrassed in front of the class.  To this you can apply the phases, “wow, you must have been really surprised by that.”  Let them talk then say something like, “did you feel angry?”  Again, let them emote.  You can then say something like, “I would feel depressed and sad if I was made fun of as well.”  They will agree and usually come up with things they wish they had to avoid the embarrassment.  You can say, “I am glad that you know your options for next time” and then suggest some more hopefully healthier ones.  Finally, offer a hug.

You have just taught your child how to go through the grief process and how to communicate their feelings to you.

As for me I will just keep learning about the complications of the computer, Internet and saving documents.

Around the holidays there is a certain buzz in the air. Anticipation is building. You can feel the energy when you are out and about. Some of this energy is stress. If you have children there is extra stress attending their programs, trying to stay on schedule and wanting to give them them the “perfect Christmas” while you are juggling work, office parties, friends parties (insert anything else here). While all this activity can be wonderful I wonder about the purpose.

 I think this flurry of activity is an attempt to achieve meaning, create memories and draw closer to those you love. If this is your purpose you have the over arching goal and can then make plans to fit that goal. I am offering some suggestions that might bring your closer to a more meaningful and mindful Christmas.

 1. Build 30 minutes into your daily schedule to “charge up”. Whether you meditate or pamper yourself, daily self care helps to alleviate stress. Encourage every member in your home to do the same. By doing this simple practice you are giving yourself and your family the gift of peace.

 2. In every home there is one person who does not thrive on over-stimulation or becomes energized by crowds of people. These individuals need private time built into each day. Over scheduling is a guarantee that there will be a meltdown for both children and adults. Provide some time for playing, drawing, coloring, listening to music or naps. You will be giving them the gift of understanding.

 3. In the heart of every child and adult there is his one gift that they desire. You can see the longing in their eyes. You can hear the voice inflection become softer when they talk about this item. Rather than focus on many gifts to fill up the space under the tree buy or make the one gift they want. The one gift that will be remembered. Then spend your time making memories and focusing on traditions. By doing this you are giving them the gift of stability and appreciation.

 4. Many people want love. They want others to listen to their heart, not just the words. I like to think of this as “listening for understanding”. The way to accomplish this is to make a date with each person in the family and listen to what they have to say about whatever interests them. When they feel heard you have given them the gift of self worth.

 5. Many people think of Christmas as family time. A time when the family gets together to laugh, enjoy each other’s company, reminisce about the good times, and to know you are part of something bigger than yourself. This gift is the gift of belonging.

 6. Whatever you do, remember the basics. Eat balanced meals, hydrate, exercise, maintain a regular sleep schedule, meditate and get outside for fresh air and sunshine.(if possible). This teaches the family the importance of respecting their bodies. This gift of health is an amazing gift that will last a lifetime.

My gift to you is to wish you a peaceful, purposeful and positive parenting holiday. Give the gifts that last a lifetime.

In November I reflect on something that I am grateful for each day. Here are some that I posted on facebook. “A quiet crisp morning, the smell of coffee brewing, yellow, red, and orange leaves falling to the ground and contentment in my heart.” “So blessed to have a job I love.” “Time spent with family is pure joy.”

Being grateful has a calming effect, increases happiness, satisfaction, and a deeper sleep. I found I had more energy and although I got sick was able to recuperate faster. Emotionally I felt more joyful, experienced more contentment, and felt calm amidst the chaos of the holidays.

Sir John Templeton states, ‎”How wonderful it would be if we could help our children and grandchildren to learn thanksgiving at an early age. Thanksgiving opens the doors. It changes a child’s personality. A child is resentful, negative—or thankful. Thankful children want to give, they radiate happiness, they draw people.”

My challenge:

Practice being grateful each day for a month.

Share your gratitude with the family each day.

Have your children state their gratitude.

Evaluate:

Did you see improvement in the overall attitude of your family?

Did you experience deeper sharing as a family?

Were you able to understand what is important in the life of each child?

If you answered yes to these questions, congratulations!  You are developing a stronger bond and improving the overall health of your family.  Now that is something to celebrate.

May you navigate the tricks in life and be rewarded with treats.

Have a safe Halloween.